Resolutions..Single -again- Style...

Every year I make resolutions...
One year it was to run..
Last year to knit...
This year I want to learn
how to really cook!

But, I also
look at who I am..
How am I living my life..
what are my strengths?
What are my weaknesses?

This year I look
at my kids...
I love being a mom!
I have few regrets!
There is always more
I could do..
or be!
But, all in all..
I want to continue to love..
to communicate!
I want to spend time with my kids..
while giving them their own
space to grow!
What I will change?
I want to be more willing
to let them face their own
consequences...
and not so willing to take the price
on their behalf!

My relationship with my ex...
(their dad)
amicable-
and yet?
I have held onto resentment..
I can be passive aggressive-
I share 'our' story
as if I need to defend
why, we are where we are..
and I realize-
its not always my story to tell!
And so,
This year I resolve;
to think before
I make the comment,
or share the history,
or not give him the chance
to prove me wrong!
I resolve
to let go ALL the hurt feelings
and ANY resentment
that may still be there!

My friendships...
I want to be a better friend!
I want to reach out more!
I want to remember
my friends hurts and joys!
I can be a good friend!
I love those close to me!
But, am I spreading that love..
or sharing it with with limits?
I want to figure that out...

My family...
another area
that I feel is in balance!
I love my sisters and parents
and spend time with my parents
as often as I can!!
I resolve to never take
that for granted!

My faith..
Thank you Lord
for all I have..
all I need is provided..
and in those moments
when life gets hard,
you carry me through!
I resolve
to give you more of my time!

Me....
well...
hmmm...
I guess,
I resolve to be true
to myself!
To continue
my quest
of not compromising
for love..
but, to be realistic
about what that might
look like!

And so..
as 2011 ends..
taking with it
smiles and tears..
I welcome 2012
and will make it all
that it is meant to be....

Christmas thoughts and dreams..

Christmas eve...
so many memories..
so many traditions..
so many tears...
so many smiles!

Tonight
as I shared the evening
with my children-
something that happens
only every other year..
I realized that nothing stays the same!

They are getting older..
I am getting more
content alone..
the moments
that brought me heart ache,
now pass without a thought!
The moments
that made us smile
now seem not as fun!

we are changing
and growing..
and yet-
traditions still count!
and memories are made!

And tonight..
as I face another Christmas 'single'..
I am blessed
to have my children
under my roof!
My heart complete..
my Christmas perfect!

Merry Christmas to all...

For several years
my children,
and I,
have had Family pictures done
at Christmas.

This year..
the pictures reflect
the years of healing!

While this season
has brought a new hurt
to my heart;
as I watch a friend grieve..
it has also
been the first season
that the holidays do not create
a sense of loss!
The first season
I am not missing what was...

And so,
The picture reflects
my family...
our completeness as is.
our acceptance of the past..
and our ability to embrace
our present!
The smiles are real..
the lightness genuine..
All of us,
comfortable in our own skin.
content!

A journey that took many years,
and many Christmas pictures..
to complete!

stress free holiday..or lonely christmas

I hear many
around me..
talking
of all the Christmas parties
they have to attend!
Sometime,
they speak with pressure...

I will admit,
I have one Christmas party
to attend
this season.
And to be honest-
that makes me a teensy sad.
I am pretty social..
and this is the season
to be with others;

Some how being single...
has changed the amount of things
that I do..
I am no longer in a couples Sunday school-
I no longer have my spouses work party-
I no longer have couple friends.
All the things
that tend to result in Christmas events
and activities!

And so,
this season...
I wonder...
is the one party I am attending
part of being stress free?
Or is it lonely?

The reality
is that it's a bit of both!
and a deeper reality
is that it is what it is!!
Life could be much harder!
I have a dear friend who
would gladly give up
all the parties and events
to have her son back!

So, this is not a pity party...
this is accepting
that as a single mom,
life looks different!
But, the season is still
what I make of it!

Its the moments
I make hot chocolate
and stay up later with my kids..
Its the moments
I meet girlfriends
for coffee or hot apple cider.
Its the Christmas concerts
I drag the kids too...
and the lights we pass at night!
Its the season to celebrate
the hope of Christ
and the love of family!
Maybe one day,
I will join those who complain
of the hustle and bustle..
but regardless
I will celebrate the season!
and make each moment count!

I am not THAT mom

I love my kids...
I want them to do well!
I encourage them
and even push them-
when needed!

But, I do not live
through them!

I want them to do better
than I have!
I want them to
get an college education!
I want them to do their best
and learn the value of hard
work...
But, how they do in school..
how many friends they have...
how good they are at sports..
is about them!
Not me!

My son is smart!
but not motivated!
I push him because
I want him to get a scholarship
to school..
but I can say with truth,
I do not mind
what he chooses to do!
He could be an engineer..
he would rather design
video games!
I am OK with that!

I want to raise my kids to succeed!
I want them to learn work ethics,
and the value of hard work!
but, their dreams are theirs!
Their achievements belong to them!
and their ultimate choices
are theirs to live with!

In the mean time
I will parent them!
and I will love them!
and I will do all I can
to give them chances,
and then watch
as they make their own
choices!
and I will love them
anyway....

I am just so sad..

Today
was the memorial
of my friends son.
A young man
that I knew..
and respected!

My heart is broken!
As I listened to the words
spoken about this young boy..
they all came back
to a mothers deep love!

A mother who raised her sons
with grace,
despite trials.
A mother who loved her sons
no matter the cost!
A mother who put the needs
of her sons
before her own!

This young man's legacy
is partly his and partly hers!
Together they inspire
the rest of us...
to make each moment count!
Never forget to say 'I love you'..
find the memories
and make them happen!
Love with purpose,
parent with grace,
live with everything you have!

This child shall live always
in the hearts
that he touched-
and this mother
shall be held close
by the lives that
she has changed!

The heart has a mind of its own..

So..
I have so much to learn..
but some things
I have learned already!
sometimes the hard way,
sometimes just because
it makes sense..
but lessons are being
learned
in my head...
and taught by my heart!

My heart knows!
sometimes it connects
and it ends in hurt..
sometimes it does not-
and I am left wondering why!

but, it knows!

As I speak to friends
who are happy..
the common theme
is when they met the one
they are with;
they knew!
and generally they never looked
back.

I have started to fall
and been alone
in the hope..
I have been fallen for
without reciprocation..
The end result is the same!

It does not work..
being right on paper..
is not enough.
If my heart does not connect
with another..
it is not meant to be.

My heart wants to fall...
not impossibly...
not romantically...
not idealistically...
but instead completely!

And until then...
well...
I shall continue to learn!
I shall continue to hope..
and I shall be content
to wait!

An unthinkable pain...

2 days ago
one of my dearest friends,
lost her 14 year old son.

Life has taken on
new perspective.

The hurt is so deep.
To watch someone
I love
go through something
so terrible..
is beyond words!
To miss a young man
whose spirit touched so many..
so difficult!
To grasp how fragile and out
of our control,
our children's lives really are...
so frightening!

It still feels surreal..
A nightmare!

This friend...
is one of the best people I know!
She is a wonderful mother
of 5 children.
She has been an incredible friend!
A support and love
during hard times in my life.
And as she faces this
dark, dark hour..
I feel helpless!

The only peace is found
within our faith..
Hers, her sons..
mine!
The comfort held within
our fathers arms
is all there is to share.

My heart grieves
for all the hurt
and my mind is struggling to grasp it...

I wish...
I wish...
I wish...
oh, that it might
make a difference!

How did I miss that?

three years ago
my life changed...
three years and 4 days ago
to be exact..

I left a situation
that needed leaving..
but it took more courage
then I knew I possesed!

It was a very traumatic
event in my life..
it was lonely
and scary!

For the first year after
I left..
I knew to the day
how long it had been!
On any given day I could tell you;
I left 3 months and 4 days ago..
10 months and 9 days ago..

Than came year two..
I no longer knew to the day,
but I always knew to the month!
1 year and 3 months!
1 year and 9 months..

and then came the next year..
2 years plus...
and I had to count to know
how long it had been!
2 years and..ummm...let me think!
But, on the 21st day of every month
I always seemed to remember..
and yet some how the 3rd anniversary passed
and I did not give it a thought!
not until 2 days later
when I realized with a start
that the 3 year mark had come and gone!

That was the moment
I knew
I really was OK!
The moment
I knew
that I no longer
remembered!

The ability to forget
took time..
and was hard earned!
but,
it happened!

Forgetting never felt so right!

What hurts the most...

Over this past year
I have dated!
Not a lot..
but enough.
Some first dates..
a few seconds..
2 short term relationships...
and 1 whirlwind disaster.

Almost every time..
I have walked away!
sometimes quickly,
some times after a few dates..
some times a few months..
but, its been me
or mutual!

This past time-
he disappeared!
I suspect why;
but there was not the basic respect
of letting me know!
and while
it was a short lived romance,
of sorts..
it has really gotten to me!

As I was driving
and wondering
why I could not just forget it..
Why his false words
still play in my mind..
Why I relive my words
and actions..
wondering what I might have done?
why, knowing
how wrong the match
was...
I still feel the kick in the gut?

Then I realized;
its the rejection!
No matter the reason,
no matter the length...
he walked away!
He rejected
even the chance..
that is what hurts!
Add to that..
the lack of closure,
which for me
is VERY difficult....
and its sitting on my heart!

Realizing what it is
helps..
it lessons the hold.
Accepting
that rejection is part of the process
helps a bit too..
and remembering
that the shoe has been on the other foot
aids a little!

And so,
I will pick my esteem back off the floor...
and remember
that who I am
is enough..
and remind myself
that his perception is only his reality-
not mine...
and I shall stop moping
over hurt feelings...
get back out of my cave
and move on!

Not easy...
but needed!

Happy Thanksgiving...

Yesterday...
as I was feeling
a tug of hurt in my heart-
I glanced across the school
parking lot
and saw my children walking towards me!
In that moment all was right!
and I knew
deep within me..
that it is enough!

I love my kids!
I am so blessed by the life I lead!
My children make me smile..
and they make me weep!
They encourage me
and they exhaust me!
They inspire me,
and they test me,
THEY are my heart!
and today..
I am thankful
that I was chosen to be their mom!

I am thankful to a God
who knew
my deep desire
to mother children,
and who granted that wish!

I am thankful
that my children and I
have learned to be whole..
and that the fracturing
no longer feels so significant!

This thanksgiving...
I am thankful
for many of the 'names' I carry...
Daughter, sister, friend, teacher...
but, most of all...
MOM!

Not so easy...

So I have not blogged in a few weeks..
and boy what a few weeks it has been!

A first date..
that would have led to a second-
then a surprise encounter
that led to a 'fairy tale' exchange..
and then
CRASH!

Seems fairy tale is not all
its cracked up to be...
when its starts in a whirlwind..
you tend to land with a BUMP!

So..
here we go again!
2 years no dating..
and now;
1 year in to the dating game
and I am feeling weathered and bruised!

I have resolved to never date again..
we shall see! :-)

As I faced the frustration
and disappointment...
and I understood that I did not really
fall for a person..
but for the hope
and possibility....
When I landed with a thump..
I than took a breath!

I can now reflect!
I can learn!
I can grow!

But, in the process
I shall also
quite possibly just give up!
Because really...
there is NOTHING easy
about risking anything..
when you know what it feels
to loose it all!

Back to my cave I go!:)

I admit it...

I want the fairy tale!!

That is why I over analyze.

I understand that there will be
compromise!
I understand that no one person
is perfect!
I understand that flexibility
is important.

BUT I want the real deal!
It does not have to be
love at first sight..
it does not have to be
heart pumping
butterflies and romance,
but, it must be
something special!

There is no reason
for it not to be!
I have no reason to settle
for the sake of companionship
so..
why settle for less
then I hope?

And so,
I admit!
I want a movie style ending..
even if its a harry met sally sort of script!

and so...
I will keep reading
the plays..
listening to the lines...
watching the characters
take on their personas..
and I will wait
for my role of a lifetime!

Over Think...Over analyze...Over it...

So,
I over analyze everything!
My friends tease me about it..
and its true!

If I meet a man
and he is too young..
I pick it apart!
I convince myself it will never
work...
If he is too old?
worse...
same thing!
I have the end in sight
before I have experienced
the beginning!
If he is my age...
I assume he is not ready to grow up!
I see the midlife crisis
in his near future!

If he has been married
I analyze the divorce.
If he has kids;
his parenting style compared to mine..
if he has never been married
I wonder why..

Is it any wonder
that I rarely date?
I have analyzed the relationship
to death
before the second date-
and I am sure
it will never work!!!
so, of course..
it does not!

No hurry...
No regrets..

But, maybe
its time..
to stop predicting the future
and rather take a chance
in the present...
who knows,
maybe I will enjoy the ride!

My heart....

Tomorrow
My oldest daughter-
my middle child..
turns 12.

tomorrow-
I shall wish my child
a happy birthday!
I shall remember the first time
I held her in my arms!
I will think of her first words,
and her first tantrum.
I will go back in time
to when we cuddled at night
and when only my kiss
could heal her hurts!
I will reflect on her beauty,
her strength, her worth!
I will marvel
at this young lady
who has faced so much
and overcome it all with grace!
I will feel blessed
to be her mother!
I will thank the Lord
for every moment..
and I will pray for a lifetime more
to watch her grow!

Happy Birthday Shyla!
I love you!

settle for more...

Being alone
has its perks..
it also has its down falls!

However,
the reality is that
I am OK.
I do not have a lot...
but I have enough.
I have my kids.
I have my home.
I have friends.
I have hobbies.

I need little..
so settling for less
is not an option.

If I do move forward,
if I do meet someone..
if I enter into a relationship;
it will be because
the relationship
brings more to my life
than is there now.

it will be more
than fun and companionship-
I have that in friends
and family.

it will be security,
it will be contentment,
it will be stability,
it will be trust,
it will be respect.
it will be something
that I cannot bring to the table alone..

and than I will settle..

until than..
less is more!

What a girl wants...

Recently I was asked..
"what am I looking for in a man?"
as I tried to answer it,
I realized..
I am not looking
for a 'type of man'
I am looking
for a 'type of relationship'.

I could look for a type-
some one free spirited,
some one like me..
who wants to save the world.
But, it could be a disaster!
Or I could
look for the opposite of me..
someone whose strengths
are my weakness's..
and it could back fire!

So, instead..
I am not looking for a
particular person!
I do not know
if the person I would like to meet
will be
older or younger.
whether he will be type A
or peace loving...
whether he will be
strong
or easy going....

What I know
is that he will respect me!
He will accept who I am
and whether we are similar
or complete opposites
he will not try and change me..
nor me him!

A relationship of acceptance
means
that I will excel in my strengths..
he will excel in his strengths!
If he wants to 'take over'
an area I am weak in..
he will!
he will not try and make me do it his way!
This matters!

We will enjoy each others company..
we will be relaxed
and companionable...
we will be able to talk
about what matters,
and what does not!
and we will respect
and accept each others opinions!
we will be loyal to each other..
we will protect each other.

We may be the same!
We may be opposite!
But, we will BE balance.

This is what I want...

Lessons in on line dating defined

Dear potential on line suitor,

Many people who know
and love me,
think that in doing this
I am nuts!
so, it would help;
if you were not,
well, nuts!

These small tips might help..

The first time we talk
its best that you do not tell me
that you could
'look at my pictures all day'..
that you have my number
'on speed dial' already...
or ask if we could set up
breakfast with my parents!

On a first date..
in which you entertain me all evening
with out asking a single question..
please do not later send a text
asking what I am wearing..
and if I would like to come over!
IF you had asked a SINGLE question
you would have by now figured out-
'I am NOT that girl'...

When you email me for the first time,
I prefer you do not start with the line;
'hey baby cakes'..
but, that is just me!!

Hanging up the phone with me
(after talking the first time)
and then calling right back..
(which of course will go unanswered)
and then emailing me..
twice..
is CREEPY!!
so don't!!!

My 'stalking radar'
is slightly strong..
I will admit..
so a text is fine!
but a text followed by another text..
followed by any variation
of 'did you get my text'..
is again..
too much!
Maybe the girl who likes to be smothered
is out there..
but I am not her!!

So, dear potential suitor..
think balance!
think normal!
Do not mention
my pictures more than once..
remember you have not met me yet..
keep in mind
I do not believe a single word
that you say,
and I am quite sure
your pictures are fake
and you are using an alias!
The deck is already stacked against you!
So, if an actual date is hoped for...
than lets tone down the crazy
and go from there..

Thanks,
Debbie

what a month...

October is a month of milestones
for me...
its started with my birthday on the 2nd.

October 5th was the 5 year
anniversary of my divorce.
(is that even what you call it?)

2 days later..
October 7th
marks 4 years ago
that I married a man
I had known only 8 months...

And then this weekend..
I am celebrating
my 20th reunion from high school!

Milestones in my life..
that make me who I am today!

Being at my the first leg of my reunion
was bitter sweet!
10 years ago
I was there
married and pregnant
with my 3rd child.
I was a stay at home mom
and secure in all ways.

Now..
I am single..
a mother of a teenager-
and 2 might as well be teenage gals
I work full time..
and live month to month..

However-
I am happier now..
more sure of who I am..
and yet-
still feel
on the edge.
Often in life I feel on the edge.
Not in a bad way..
just in an aware way.
I am quirky..
different..
I get that!

but, for so many years
I did not know that..
I, instead,was my 'role'
not my 'person'!

And so..
I face this month
seeing how long a healthy divorce
takes..
and knowing we are there,
as far as I can tell.
I see how
I have forgiven myself
for misjudgements
that happened in the wake
of the hurt...
and I recognize
how much change has happened
in 20 years!

And that all in all..
it is Good!
and I would do it..
all over again!

dating do's and don'ts...Debbie's way!

So..
I have gotten my feet wet
with dating!
Still not doing a lot of it...
but have done enough of it
to know a few things!

I have some Don'ts..
still learning the Do's.

I am learning that
I have a few pet peeves.

The first is that
when someone asks if they can call-
I tend to tell them
that I cannot talk until my kids
are in bed,
I give a time..
and yet..
it seems not to matter!
The phone will ring
2 hours before the kids are sleeping!
and I know..
I will NEVER pick up!
its not about calling the shots..
its about being HEARD!

I am also learning
that there are men
who will say
they like what I stand for.
respect who I am..
and yet,
their actions
and intentions
on a first or second date..
say otherwise.
Its why
a third date does not happen!
I am clear about who I am..
Trust me!

I am learning
that those little 'warnings' in my gut
start going off quite quickly!
I do not always hear them
until they are yelling..
but I am learning that they are
always there!

Most of all,
I am learning to follow my instincts!
to listen to my gut..
to believe in my own hunches...
I am learning
to trust in ME!

Birthday recollections....

Today is my birthday!
38 years old..
or young..
or somewhere in between.

The first 32 birthdays
were pretty routine..
all good in their own ways!

But, 5 years ago-
birthdays took on a whole new meaning!

5 years ago..
my girlfriends took me to dinner-
my gifts?
items to start my new life.
I moved out of the house
I had built with my husband
of almost 15 years..
5 days after that birthday!

1 year later..
I was taken to dinner by the man
I would marry in just a few days!!
We got in a fight..
because my ex called our kids..
ON my birthday!
caused an issue..
I ignored the warning..
I was married again
with the week!

1 year after that..
I was dreadfully unhappy...
the man I married
surprised me with a hot air balloon ride,
a grand gesture..
a picture taking opportunity..
in the midst
of hurt and anger..
yelling and threats.
it was a birthday that ended
once again in a fight..
as once again
my ex called our kids...
on my birthday!
dejavu...

1 year later!
I was divorced again-
I was still finding my footing!
a friend took me to dinner
and for a pedicure!
It was nice..
I was still sad.

1 year later..
a GREAT night out with
SEVERAL friends!
Including a man
I had just started dating.
the dating was short lived..
the friendships STILL strong..
and that birthday
the start of a new me!!!!

Now...
1 year later..
3 years single-again..
healthy..
happy !
another night out with friends!
this time..
I was not reserved.
I was not guarded.
I was free of all hurt!
I had a date with me..
it was obvious before the night
was over..
that I would not see him again-
but, even that was good!
I laughed with my friends..
I felt loved and celebrated!
I felt 'home'...

5 years of hurt and heartache...

and now today..
a weekend of celebration..
first with friends..
then with family..
and today with my kids-

and what I know;
is that I get stronger
with each birthday..
wiser with each lesson..
happier with each year that passes!!

and even as another birthday passes...
without that 'special' someone-
the people that celebrated with me
remind me
that love comes in all packages..
and that a complete life
is a celebrated life!
and this weekend..
that's exactly how I felt..
complete!

WOW...alot to say..

2 weeks is probably
the longest I have gone
without blogging...

and these last 2 weeks
have held a lot!

The last time I blogged
I had been feeling alone,
and frustrated with dating.

Then I quit dating-
let it go..
decided that I wanted
to meet someone local..
and wanted to wait
until it was right..

and then....
I met someone!

Who knows where it will go.
but, when I stopped waiting
and wondering-
something good happened.

and like every step
in this journey..
each step
has taught me lessons
and helped me grow!

so...
regardless of the outcome..
so far so good!!

and so it goes..and so it goes...

Dating...
ugh!
not dating..
ugh!
Just waiting...
not so ugh!

I am 'actively' dating...
or considering dates when asked:)..
which is quite huge!:)

but
I know
that I will reach a place
so soon
of just sitting back..
and waiting!
because really...
I do not want to
rush into a relationship...
why do I feel the need
to rush the process
of meeting someone?

I guess
its the cliche..
the being alone..
the feeling like life is passing
and I am running out of time!

so...
dating for this moment...
(admittedly dating is
a strong word for it:)!)

but, waiting...
is JUST around the corner..
I can feel it...
I can hear its breathe...
that place of just being willing
to 'be'..
seems to be finding me again...

The many layers......

I keep thinking
that I might reach the end
of the lessons..
get to that 'single' place
that is defined.

And yet..
it does not happen.
I keep learning more...
growing...
regressing..
progressing...

When I first found myself single,
my whole world
changed.
I knew than
that I did not know who I was...
I knew what I was;
a wife, and a mother.
but what about
when those roles shifted?
what then!?

I set out to find out
what I liked
and did not...
who I was alone..
and in a crowd.
I learned how to 'be'
and how to cry..
and bigger I learned
how to heal.

but somehow,
I shifted some of that identity
into being a 'single mom'
with young kids.
The business
of doing so much alone,
the struggle of providing
and getting an education.
The role once again began to define me.

Now, as my kids get older;
and still need me..
but differently!
as they begin to find their identity..
I am wondering
if I still have mine?

A new type of identity crisis...
a new exciting,
while daunting place to be.
Single..
a mom..
a Single mom..
single..
a Woman..
a Single Woman.

all roles-
but all different!
Now..
I get to focus a bit more
on the individual aspects
of who I am..
and learn how to be Single..
while still a Mom..
since I think I am now
quite comfortable in the role
of 'single mom'..:)

a life reclaimed...

so..
I have been down!
so many different things...
kids getting older..
a bit of an identity crisis..
pressure in life..
ect..ect...ect!!

And than tonight
talking to a friend..
I changed tracks!

Life may feel
a little tough-
but my life is so good.

I have so much
to be thankful for!!

I have children who are growing!
They are going through normal stages
in life...
they have their moments of good
and their moments of not so good.
but, they are good kids-
happy kids!
they have rooms of their own..
and cool beds!
they have 2 parents who love them
and grandparents who adore them!
They are liked by their teachers
and friends!
They have good lives!
They are blessed!
They have full bellies...
and clean clothes!
My children have so much!
I am so thankful!

I have support in my parents!
This is huge!
My parents are 2 of my closest friends...
I can talk to them about my problems-
I can spend time with them
when I am lonely...
I can call them in a fix.
I am not alone!

I am close to my sister..
I have wonderful girlfriends.
enough said!!

I love my job..
love my job!
I LOVE my job!!!!

I have a roof over my head!
a home
that is cute..
and cozy..
and safe!

I have a temperamental car...
but its a car!
It drives!
well!

I have a closet with clothes in..
and I have shoes..
cute and functional!
I have a pantry
that has food in it...
I am not wanting...

There is so much in my life
that brings me joy.
There are sometimes
aspects of my life
that cause me hurt!

But, when I take the moment
to look at what I have..
compared to what I do not..
the hurt lessens
and the gratitude
grows..
and grows..!

I have something to admit...

I am a little over it...
a little depressed..
a lot restless..
and slightly aggravated at the pressure
of everyone else's opinion.

It is what it is..
but sometimes
what it is
can become more pressure
than what it is not!!

As I try and figure out
where the feelings are coming from-
I believe that the core
is the utter and complete responsibility
always on my shoulders..
maybe a little like a man,
who hits mid life and buys a sports car..
just for a release from the pressure.

As I spoke to a friend about balance
last night..
I looked at my life
and it is so weighted towards
'the heavy'..
paying the bills,
working to provide,
getting a better education
to provide more..
raising kids (of course)...

All aspects I take seriously-

The time that is left also
holds 'responsibility'..
cooking meals, cleaning my home, doing laundry;
all things that must happen.

then there are the parenting aspects-
taking my kids to and from games,
running them to the library,
and other activities..
The good stuff is not pressure..
the movie nights and chats.
The moments we all share life!
Those are the windows in time
that fuel the rest.
But, much of parenting
is doing the right thing!
Overseeing the homework..
holding them responsible for choices..
Being a Mom-
when being a friend is more appealing!

The theory that this should be 'it'...
..my main focus-my only focus...
makes me feel like I am under water!
I love my life...
I love my kids..
I love my job...
I sometimes want to just enjoy!

The restlessness I am feeling
is a life weighted
in the direction of what must be done..
a restlessness so many feel!

The solution lies
in a positive remedy!
Not sure yet
what that will be...
self destructive choices are not an option-
I am a mom always..
whether with my kids or not!
but, something..
something that will hold my mind
captive for moments..
something that for a moment
will let me feel
like a young woman,
with a full life ahead..
rather than a woman,
who carries so much alone-
with what feels like a lifetime
of lessons
already lived.

It is just where I am now...
it is not where I will be for long.
recognizing where the feelings come from
and looking for an answer..
is what defines a life resigned
from a life reclaimed!

busier then busy....

ironically
I took the semester off
of college..
for some breathing room!
I have a new position
at work
and it is more intense..
I took the time to focus.

And yet..
with less on my plate
I am busier than ever before.
My job is certainly busier..
but its more than that!
My daughter is on the volley ball team
for the first time.
so there are games and practices..
I have also started going
back to the gym!
My days start early
and end late...

but its more..
I am taking time for me!
sometimes just to walk..
sometimes to meet friends..
sometimes with the kids-
sometimes with out!

Often people who love me
tell me to slow down..
but here is the thing..
until when??
This is my life!
If all I do is try and survive it
and keep my head above water..
thats all I will ever do!
Because
my work is here to stay!
My kids are getting older...
and more complicated!
My degree will need to be finished..
my home will always need to be cleaned..
this is my life!
So,
in my mind-
now is the time to live!
I am in my 30's..
young and vibrant!
WHAT should I be waiting for??

Life is about balance...
and certainly
there are moments of nothing..
and moments of quiet...
and moments of fun..
and moments of solitude!

But,
moments of waiting???
for what??!!!!

I still have those moments...

I have been divorced
from my children's dad
for almost 5 years...

Our relationship
has changed
and evolved.
I would say,
it is about the best it can be
considering...

I no longer am 'in love with him'..
I no longer wish him back.
I have truly moved on-
as has he.

But, I still have those 'moments'...
moments when I wish
that I was not alone..
that I still shared life
with another!
Moments when I miss the 'wholeness'
of what has since broken.

Tonight that moment came
during a family game.
Last night I was out with a friend
and saw a family
(parents and kids)
playing cards at the restaurant!
it made an impression.
Tonight as I played with my kids..
and my 14 year old was 'bored'..
and my youngest was being 'cute'..
and my middle 'funny'..
I felt like something was missing!

I miss having that person...
that person
who can roll their eyes WITH me
at the moody teenager..
or smile at me
over the silly jokes...
or continue playing cards with me
when the kids go to bed.

This person no longer has a specific face
or a name..
or even a real existence.
this person is an ideal..
an echo in my heart..

Sometimes I feel a little
cheated..

Parenting solo..
trying so hard to create the memories...
and the moments.
when deep down
I actually would be OK
sharing them,
not owning them all!

This 'moment' that happens...
has changed over time-
its not raw-
its no longer about a person-
its no longer a broken heart
or a lost love.

Just an idea
an illusion...
a fantasy...
of what sharing life
with another
might have been!

WELL! that makes sense...

for many years
I did not date..
and I was content!

and then I dated a bit..
and have found myself restless!

Not in a hurry...

I understand the risks
and know the benefit
of a healthy foundation.
I also believe that children
change the time line..
and dynamics!
and should be carefully considered!
Rushing is not an option!

And yet..
I do look forward to that time
in my life
when a 'relationship' is defined...

However, the past 3 months
I have actually begun
to almost 'fret'..
I have found alone time
not as freeing!
I have wanted company
rather than solitude..
I have hoped for companionship
and avoided loneliness..

And I have wondered why?
what has changed!?
Why was I so content!
and now not as much!

and today-
I realized;

my season of life has changed!!
My children are all getting older!
I am a part of their lives..
but no longer the center!
They need me, of course..
but differently!!
They are content to be with friends..
or in their rooms..
as much as with me!
I am no longer their main focus..
and their activity director.
My son and middle daughter are BOTH
old enough to babysit....
life has changed!

I can go to the grocery store
without 3 children in tow..
I can run errands or even meet a friend-
and this is good.

and yet-
this has left a void.
I used to be so 'full'
with children's activities and needs..
now I am still busy..
and there are still ball games..
and sleep overs,
and chatting..
they do still need me-
but its different!
so different!

I have lost myself a little...
I looked to fill the void-
and assumed maybe another would be key!
someone to fill the alone time;
I tend to have.

And sure-
that will be nice!
but, that is not the goal!

the goal is to re-find my center..
and my contentment,
within my new season!
This will happen over and over
as my children grow..
4 years from now
my son leaves for college...
8 years from now
my youngest will do the same..
and there will be many
milestones along the way!
many times
I will loose my footing..
and many times I will
need to re-find me!!

NOT 'in' another..
maybe 'with' another;
maybe not!
regardless-
somewhere in me is the key!!

for now-
I am thinking
salsa lessons
might do the trick!!:)

processing privately

so..
not everything is to share...
but everything
is to be processed...

some things leave me heart heavy..
and some things leave me smiling...
and some things leave me confused.

I find very little;
about being single-
straightforward.

whether it is dating
or co-parenting..
or working-
or balancing kids activities...
or finding time for me...
none of it is black and white.

And no matter how simplified
I make my life-
or try-
life is just not simple.

And so there is plenty to process..
in private..
and out loud.
plenty to wonder about
and worry about..
plenty to keep my mind busy,
even when my body is at rest.
and something tells me..
its just the start!

over parenting??

I do a lot for my kids..
I admit!!

I still check on my high schooler
during his school day-
making sure he ordered his lunch!
if he did not bring it from home...
This is not for him
(he orders just fine)
this is for me...

I pack my children's lunches!
they can pack them themselves..
but their lunches
are my love note!
They do not know this yet..
or understand-
that each treat
was hand picked..
each item chosen just for them!
They do not need me to do this..
I need to do this for them!

I sometimes clean their rooms..
or cover them for their chores!
I sometimes carry their plates
to and from the kitchen..
not always-
but sometimes!
I sometimes take care of all
the pets...
I sometimes clean out their mess
from the car...
I sometimes do their laundry..
and often fold it and put it away!
I pack for my high schooler
when he goes to camp-
I pack for my girls when they
go too...
I do the dishes...
and the housework..
and the mopping
and the sweeping-
and I know they can!
and I guess they should..
but sometimes
I do it anyway..

I do a lot..
sometimes too much..
and sometimes
I hand it all back!
before picking it right back up!

don't get me wrong..
they can do things for themselves...
they can do their own laundry-
and clean their rooms
and do the dishes,
and care for the pets
and remember to get agendas signed
and take money for lunch
on catered days...
they can-
and sometimes they do!

but, I love being a mom!
and part of being a mom
(for me)
is doing things for them
that I know they can do for
themselves...
its checking on them..
and loving on them..
and carrying some of their load-
even when my load
is heavy enough!

Its a choice I make..
one I understand,
and balance!
a choice to teach them how
to do it all..
and yet to choose
to do some of it
for them!

When all is said and done-
so soon..
they will take all they know
and live their lives alone..
and I will be left
with the memories
of moments
when I did it all..
and I have no doubt-
I will miss it!!
no doubt- at all!

Alot can change...

In just one week..
so much can change!

One week ago-
I was overwhelmed!
I felt in over my head..
and just wanted to cry!

Today-
I am in a much better place!!
I love my job
and I am excited about the new
challenges!!
I ,of course, love my kids!
and I am enjoying
a new season
as my middle child
has joined a JV volleyball team!
I love my little home..
and have been purging
and it feels really good!!
I love my extended family-
and have been able to spend
time with them!
I love my friends..
and this has been a
great week
for me socially!

And so..
in just a week-
I have climbed down the rainbow..
and found MY pot of gold!
It is not heavy
or financially viable..
in fact,
just the opposite!

It is found in the moments
that make me smile!
The moments
that remind me
why I keep going..
when I just do not want to!!
the moments
that touch my heart..
and reach my soul.
the moments that matter
only to me...

Life happens in those moments!!
And those moments
can turn it all around!

Crying Uncle...

So I often try and do it all...

I get the kids to help..
but make lots of room
for their busy schedules too!
I spend time with them..
I listen to their stories..
I referee their arguments...
I pack their lunches..
I keep in touch with teachers...
I monitor their homework-
I taxi them to events..
and arrange play dates
and sleep overs...
as most parents do!

I give my all at work..
and love what I do!

I also go to college..
trying to give them more
one day
than I currently
can now.

and sometimes-
its too much!
sometimes-
I feel like I am drowning!
sometimes-
I wonder if I will ever catch my breath!
sometimes-
I cry uncle!

Today..
I cry uncle..
reassessing what I must do..
and what I must not!
looking for ways
to alleviate the pressure..
but , also knowing-
that today
I cry Uncle!
but;

tomorrow-
I will be OK!
tomorrow-
I will regain perspective!
tomorrow-
I will embrace the business!
tomorrow-
I will breathe deeply!

Today-
I will remember
that Tomorrow is still to come!

Milestones and memories

My son starts High school tomorrow.

In truth-
he has already been
doing high school classes,
he knows all the teachers,
and continues at the same school.

So its more the idea
than the circumstances.

but the idea..
is pretty significant!

I remember so well
my first day of high school.
I know well
what is to come.
and I understand
that in a few short years
his future
shall begin..
and my present shall forever change!

I am proud of the young man he is..
blessed to share these moments.

I am also alone
in this milestone!
His father and I,
while amicable and friends;
will not stay up tonight
talking about the way life is flying by..
we will not share our memories
of other first days..
we will not laugh over
how fast he has grown.
or cry a little when we think
of toddler moments so long gone..
In truth-
if we were married
we may not have done that either!

Its funny how we change
the perceptions
of what would be,
when we no longer remember
what was.

regardless....
tomorrow-
my life takes on a new season.
my heart will hurt a little.
I will kiss my son,
knowing I am kissing a young man..
no longer a boy.
I will begin the process
of letting him grow..
and face the prospect
of navigating this new road
on my own...

A new journey for us both...
A season of growth and maturity
for mother AND for son.

pandora's box...

The thing
with being alone..
it seems,
is that I am OK
alone;
until I am not alone!

so when I was
solidly single
I was content alone.
Then I started
to date-
and now,
while I can be alone,
sometimes I feel sad by myself!

I do not know
what the future looks like-
or even what tomorrow holds.

But, I know
that I have started to hope
for a presence..
hope for a person..
hope for a resolution..
and hope for security!

Not enough
to sell my soul...
not enough
to compromise who I am...
but, enough
to hurt my heart a bit.
enough to 'feel'-

It seems I opened
pandora's box
when I dropped my walls...
now all I can do
is wait
and see...
not an easy place to be!

a place to process

I think I need to start
carrying a journal with me..
writing is what gets my heart expressed..
writing takes all the feelings
and sorts them out!
and sometimes as I am sitting
thinking
I need to get the thoughts out of my head..
and yet,
I have nowhere to put them!

And so,
I shall get a small journal,
and carry a pen..
and write!

Life is fine..
good..
complicated..
confusing...
unsure..
happy..
content...
unstable...
amazing!
Life..
is
Life!

And sometimes life
takes words
to sort it all out!

Unexpected clarity!

The most bizarre and amazing thing
happened to me
Saturday night!

I was meant to have a date...
it did not work out!
I went to my quirky coffee shop..
alone!
something I do a lot!

rarely do I see others alone...
its a cute little place-
live music
nice menu
wine or coffee...
I always drink coffee..
or water.

As I sat alone-
I saw a man come in on his own.
I noticed!
He was young, handsome..
and its Saturday night!
I could not help but wonder..
why would he choose here?
and yes..I KNOW that I choose here!
but, I am quirky!

He sat for a while,
ate,
drank water..
we made eye contact a few times..
but he was far away.
I read my book..pouted(over missed date)..ate!

He left..
I left later.
I went down stairs
and he sat outside the restaurant on a bench..
he started chatting to me..
we stopped chatting 4 1/2 hours later!

Turns out..
he spends his time alone
the way I do..
wondering the streets of the quaint little town..
away from the bars and the bustle..

now..
he is younger than I am.
Enough to make him think..
Maybe or Maybe not;
enough to change it all?
we shall see...
not so much for me..
but, maybe for him?
guess time will tell!

So..for now..
I have met a wonderful new friend!
One I will see again.

In the mean time..
I realized..
that easy connection?
that fluke meeting?
that kindred moment?
its out there...
and worth waiting for..
no matter the end result!

reflecting....

Someone important to me
asked me some questions...

the goal was to get me to think
about what I wanted
and what my future would look like-

The main question:
where do I want to be in 5 years..

The answer;
right where I am now.

5 years from now,
I want to be in the same town.
Possibly the same home.
I would like to be at the same job..
and will have 2 children still in school.
I want to be near my parents..
and near my children's father.
I would like my life to look
not too different from now..
with less college
(I hope to be done)
maybe a touch more money..
(then again with my oldest in college..maybe a touch less)
and maybe, just maybe...
someone to share the moments with!

The idea-
when I meet someone
I need to know what to measure
to find out:
if they fit with 'me'
and my goals...

The conclusion-
many things matter!
but, someone
content
to live in a small town..
happy with the status quot..
family centered..
and grounded in the reality
that parenthood brings..
tops my list!

Its one question so far-
but, a big one!

Dating 101

I tend to be an all or nothing
person..
I am working on balance..
but,
it does not come easily!

The last small stretch
of dating
held many clues!

One of the biggest
is that from the beginning-
I chose not to date others
and focus on the place I was.
Even though
it was not 'committed'..
and he preferred no expectations.

The result:
me doing a lot of waiting..
and wondering..
and not feeling
so great about the whole thing!

So,
my lesson..
was to be careful
about realistic expectations...
and to keep myself 'living'
while waiting to see what shall happen!

so now-
I have 'dived' into dating..
and have been asked out
on 3 dates
next week..
all or nothing-
that's me!

I have learned that I do
not know..
what I do not know!
Its hard to judge normal-
when you do not have a measure!

I have never dated much..
I want to try it a bit..
see what I like-
see what works
and what does not..

And if in the process..
even right away-
I meet the man
that treats me well..
That Likes me for me...
and wants to take it to the next step,
and I feel the same;
I am perfectly willing
to miss out on all the 'dating'..
but, if not..
I shall embrace the process
and take the lessons..

good and bad!

walking Away

So..
I have been dating
for a short while!
It has been a process...
and one I learned lessons from!

But, it has also been hard-
in moments too hard!

To much baggage
between us maybe?

Or just not a fit?

or just not the right timing?

who knows!

I know that I was not feeling
as I should..
I felt on edge
and in moments 'unseen'..
my expectations-
maybe too high?
but, maybe not high enough.

What I know is that
I want it to feel different..
I want to feel more valued
even in the beginning!

And so I walked away..
I redefined the perimeters...
and my own guidelines..
I left the ending
open ended..
but the expectations are clear!

I move on..
I do what I should have done
all along..
I see other people-
I date without the preset notions..
and I see what I want
and who I am meant to be with!!

above all,
I take back myself..
my power
and strength..
and I live this aspect of my life-
on the terms that count:
mine!

all in the same boat...

Seems the more I blog
about the perils
of dating...
the more I see
that many of us
single parents/people
are in the same boat...

And it seems
many of us
would happily
JUMP ship!

I find dating
a roller coaster..
in truth..
I would say
I find 'early' dating
that way!
Not sure how I will find
a dating commitment.

But, this??
the moments of expression..
followed by moments of confusion.
The inability
to really know what
someone else is thinking..
and the newness
which makes it a bad idea
to ask...

The moments you think you know..
followed by the moments
you are sure you do not!

I know it will not always be like this-
but, for now..
the moments when I 'know'
are NOT enough to carry me
through the moments
I 'do not'...

And so many moments
I find myself thinking
the worst..
only to see that I am
wrong...
but, the next time..
I will probably do
the same thing!

Enjoy the process...
yup!
Sure!
OK!
I am trying!
I am doing 'my' thing..
And spending moments
together..
and in truth things
are going OK..
its just there are moments
when I cannot remember
if its OK or not!

and over and over and over
I think-
is this worth it??
this unsureness...
this insecurity...
this knowing
that the outcome is..
unknown!
is it worth this?
and really...
I do not know!

But, when I do..
I am sure
I will blog about it!!:)

Sticks and Stones...Not!

I hear the phrase so often-
"actions speak louder than words"
and I understand that to most
this is true-
and certainly
to some degree I feel the same.

but, not as much
as one would think!

Words touch my heart
or break it!

When I think over
life changing moments..
the things I remember
are the words that were said!
Not the 'things' I came to know-
or even the things I saw
or experienced...
its the words
that were said to me
about the event at hand..
that left the lasting impression!

If I were to list
the most heartbreaking
aspects of my divorce-
the memories I have
are all things said..
the moments I broke;
were within the sounds-
not the silence.

When I remarried..
what broke me?
the things said to me.
The put downs
and the unkind criticisms..
that carried more weight
than extravagant gestures..
or even the times
spent in peace.

On the flip side...
when kind words are spoken
my heart soars...
talking something out
with someone-
makes me feel close
and connected to them.

This is not always a good trait..
some people use words
as weapons..
some use them at their bidding.
some say them without malice..
and yet they implant in my heart-
with hurt!
for me-
I notice words more than most..
something said as an aside-
will make me wonder and think.
something said in kindness or compliment
will replay in my mind and heart!
something said in anger-
can become a stone in my core.
something said in love..
will keep me holding on,
sometimes beyond reason.

But,it is what it is...
sticks and stones
are preferable..
words;
can make me
or break me!

And now,
as I see this-
I wonder!
am I as careful
with my words?
do I measure them as carefully
as I should-
do I regard them as powerful..
or do I react and just say them..
and pick up the pieces later!?

I hope being more aware
of the effect they have on me..
I will be more aware
of the way I share them
with others!

I hope that knowing how words
change my perceptions-
I will learn to judge in balance..
I will hear the words,
read the tone,
look at the actions-
and begin to
hear beyond the syllables...
and see beyond the definitions.

progress....

I have made progress
in a couple of areas..

One-
I blogged about living
my life..
rather than waiting-
this weekend,
the one I am seeing
had family in town-
I went to a movie
alone last night
(loved it..crazy stupid love)
met a girlfriend for dinner
tonight-
and sat listening to live
music for several hours!
It was nice!
I lived my life..
I did not sit and stew..
or wonder..
or worry..
its a start!
And it felt a lot
better
than waiting around..
just in case!

The other area
of progress
is communication..
I shared what I needed
and it seems to be working!
what a concept..
ask and receive!
:)

And so..
I am still in the process
not really any further..
but not going backwards
quite as often.

dating measured differently...
but, in ways that matter
most.

dating mom...complicated situation

No matter what happens
with this current
'dating situation'
I am in..
I am learning SO much!!

We are two people
with a past!
That's what happens
when you begin dating
at almost 40..
with children
and ex's...

Along with the past-
comes the hurt-
along with the hurt-
comes the fear-
along with the fear-
comes the walls.

All those things
change the way
you date!

I remember dating in my late teens..
the newness
the excitement..
the belief that love was enough.
(it was not.)

Now,
I date as a devoted mother..
who has learned
that love can let you down.
I date a man
who is a father first..
who has learned the same thing.

And so-
I learn!
I learn to talk rather than assume.
I learn that sometimes
things are not what they appear.
I learn that men who have been hurt
are as weary as woman.
I learn that a mans hurt
is a steel wall..
I learn that a woman's hurt
is strong on the outside but buckles
when hope is introduced.
I learn that working it out
is harder than walking away-

Mostly:
I learn that the heart is resilient
but retains the scars..
and has a memory of its own!

I learn!
and no matter
whether this is a few more weeks
or turns into a lifetime;
the lessons
are shaping who I am
in this new stage of healing!

LIGHT bulb MOMENT!

I get it!!!
finally!!!

Dating
and
Being alone
are NOT mutually exclusive!!

Why have I found
dating hard?
because there is
no security
in the beginning!
will you have plans?
or not?
that evening without kids..
will you spend it with 'him'
or alone?
Should you make plans with friends..
or will he call?

When I was not dating...
I had no problem
making plans
for me..
or with friends!
Now dating-
I can put life on hold..
just in case!
I find myself restless
alone...
as if there is a better option
and I am missing out!
as if there is
an
'all or nothing'
dating button!
and then I GOT IT!
no! NO! no!

I need to continue to enjoy
being alone!
I need to plan my time
as before..
I need to go see the movies
I like..
and get my thai food!
plan my nights with friends...
I need to be content alone!
I need to spend the time I can
with the one I am getting
to know!
I need to be available
if possible!
I need to invest in the newness...
I need to date!

As soon as I try
and do one or the other..
either possibility
can bring about frustration
and disappointment!
When I understand
that in the dating process
you are still alone...
I look at life differently!
I still look to me
to create the fulfillment..
rather then waiting on another!

I shall put effort
into enjoying both!
Fulfilled when with another-
fulfilled when alone..
understanding that to survive
dating
I must be able to do both!

My funk....

It happens...

to much going on..
to little going on...
to many emotions-
not enough time-
not enough money-
Its called life!

Most of the time
I love my life...
every now and then
I get over it!

Add to the normal situations
the new dynamics of dating..
and it seems a recipe for disaster!

and yet..
it really is up to me!!
I can allow it all to get to me-
as I have!
Or I can let it go..
or at least un clutter my head
to leave some room to deal with it all!

Its not easy
to just let life happen..
and sometimes
its more then you bargain for..
but,
letting life consume you
is no better!

and so..
I face and know;
that the stress of being the bread winner
is just that.. stress!
The stress of going back to school
is just that...stress!
The stress of raising three kids
is just that...stress!
and the stress of dating..
yes! more stress...

But, life??
is good!!
Life is mine!
and all of the above
is still what I allow it to be!!

complicated world..or complicated me?

so..
not for the first time in my life..
or the second..
or honestly even the 3rd..
I have been accused
of making something complicated-
that did not need to be!

I am starting to see
a pattern here!!
:-)

Its true..
I over think..
I over analyze..
I over worry...
I over talk...
and I over estimate!

That does not mean
the people who
do this 'suggesting'
of my complicated self;
are perfect!
or close..
or even always that nice..
just sayin!

But, it means
that if I am honest with myself-
I will see that they are right!

And so..
today starts a new day!
As will tomorrow
and the day after that!

and my goal?
go with the flow..
stop worrying
that a new relationship
will turn into a marriage..
or not!
Stop looking for every issue
to see if I can live like
that forever..


instead..
I shall decide for today!
and than tomorrow
I shall decide again..
until I am not deciding..
because I know!

or think I know..
or maybe do not know..
*sigh*
its so much easier than it sounds....

Still so much to learn..

The bump
and working through stress
of a new relationship..
taught me some things.

Of course I learned
that you have to see out the process
to really learn what makes someone
tick...

But, also I learned
that as far as I have come...
I have so much still to learn.

In so many areas
of my life..
I am strong
and healthy.
but, in some areas
I still fall back to unhealthy patterns.

When something
'unjust'
happens..
or someone shuts me out;
I feel the need to be heard!
And sometimes
my need to be heard
becomes clingy and weak..
it becomes all the qualities
I want to avoid
in myself-
and others...

It stems from just needing to know..
to understand!
Just wanting to hear and be heard.

But, its unattractive
and above all..
it gives away my strength
and leaves me feeling
powerless
and hurt...

In addition;
I have too many walls..
I let fear rule-
I give too much credit-
I second guess too much-
I make excuses-

and I realize
that I have to learn to overcome
these tendencies!

I can not learn healthy relationship skills
while sitting on the sidelines.
I will only learn how to
overcome these areas...
and communicate effectively
while in the actual game.

And so...
it goes..
and so..
it goes!

What a girl wants..

So here is my list;

1) a man that shares my faith
2)a man that has kids or completely respects that I do, and understands all that entails.
3)a man with a stable income and rewarding job
4)a man who makes me laugh
5)a man that is flexible
6)a man that makes me feel valuable to him
7)a man that does not see the need to drink excessively with friends often if at all
8)a man who watches his language around me
9)a man that makes me feel safe
10)a man who respects who I am, even if he does not share all my quirks
11)a man who will communicate in good times and bad
12)a man I am attracted to
13)a man that makes me feel attractive
14)a man who knows who he is and is comfortable in his own skin
15)a man who accepts and understands the demands in my life
16)a man who embraces my love for my family
17)a man who encourages my time with friends
18)a man who has his own healthy hobbies
19)a man who smiles easily
20)a man who handles his stress appropriately
21)a man who is respectful to those around him
22)a man who treats his mother kindly
23)a man who understands and accepts the back seat role he will have with my kids.
24)a man who likes being a man
25)a man who likes, or accepts with kindness, animals
26)a man who wants a balanced partnership
27)a man who will allow me to talk things out when I feel hurt
28)a man who will not keep me guessing
29)a man who will be faithful
30)a man who will enhance my life emotionally, and allow me to do the same to him.

I may not find the one man
who encompasses all of this..
but someone will have
more of these qualities than less...
Some of these are less then vital..
Some I cannot live without...
And maybe in time the list will grow-
or shrink!
but, I am learning as I go.

A speed bump..or a stop sign!

dating is hard!
There is NO way around it!
do you open up?
or hold back?
are they who they say?
how will you know?

It seems I have hit a speed bump
in the new place I was..
Why is not important!
But, the fact that it is there..
and will definitely slow things down,
and most likely stop things all together-
has gotten me to thinking!

When I started dating,
it was impulsive!
I had waited so long...
and said no so often!
and than..a yes!
and it was not perfect..
but, it started to fit..

however,
I had never really defined
what I wanted!
I was not really sure!
I have decided
no matter what happens now-
to define
the qualities that matter:

The things I will look for
and notice when absent!
the things I can live without..
and the things I cannot!

Compromise is imperative,
flexibility a must..
but, accepting the unacceptable..
is... well..unacceptable!

How do you know
until you go through it!?
That's part of the process
and in moments it stinks!
But, if I learn..
if the relationship lasts
and is better for it-
if it does not,
but I am..
the process is worth
the very literal pain!

2 steps back..4 steps forward...

As I begin
to learn..
the new stage
of another!

A new place in my life..
A new experience...
New questions
and sometimes not so fun answers!

A past, a present, a future..
his!
mine!
who we are..
who we were..
and who we want to be!

Sometimes this brings worries..
and sometimes beautiful perspective.

When I wonder,
do we have a shot?
the answer is a louder;
'heck yeah'..

are we guaranteed it?
NO!
will it work for sure?
who knows!
will we make it to the next stage?
only time will tell!

but its no longer a game..
its more than a dance!
Its a start....

communication blunders...

So getting to know
someone knew,
means learning how
to communicate.

Something I have not
experienced
in a healthy way..
in either of my marriages.

So now...
I am trying to communicate;
clearly,
concisely..

and yet instead;
I am nervous,
tongue tied
and shy..

I say what I mean
in too many words..
he thinks he hears
what I mean
and yet is confused.

Part of the problem;

I do not know
what I want!

I am not sure what works.

If I knew;
I would
still be married..
I would NOT be
dating again.

so, how do I
explain
what I hope for
or want?
when I am afraid that if
I get it..
I will regret asking.

The fact that I care
is a good sign..
the fact that I trip on the words
a reflection
of the balance,
versus control-
I feel in this new relationship.

I am strong..
and I can be tough..
but I am not the only one
steering this ship.

all good..
but gracious...
I need script..please!!!:)

I am smiling a lot...

so 3 weeks in...
Dating one person..
not serious...
still figuring each other out..
but not really casual either!
Just dating!

I am not as fearful
of breaking a rule..
I am reading less into
late calls
or missed texts...
I am accepting more
of the good..
and feeling more comfortable
not just in my skin..
but also with in this new stage.
the game is becoming
reality!

My favorite part-
is the reaction of friends.
The jaw dropping response
when I mention
"I am seeing someone"..
that part makes me laugh!
but, admittedly
I was determined not to get to this place..
until I wanted to be exactly here!
I can see that those around me
thought it might never happen.

I have no allusions.
I know that what is to come
may not look anything like
what is now...
and I also know,
it might look better..

I just know that in this moment
I smile..
and I feel excited...
and I am FINALLY enjoying
the process!
and ready to see
what might come...

oh the games....

dating..
its a game!
no rules-
no winners-
several chances
to get it right
or mess it up..
a game.

When the phone
does not ring
when expected..
I think:
"if he does not call by 10:00 I am done!"...
then:
"if that phone does not ring by 10:10 its over!"
then:
"10:20 is my final offer!!"....
then:
10:25 the phone rings,
I pick it up and sweetly say:
"hello?"..
as if I am totally surprised my phone rang!
*sigh*
a game!!!:)

However-
the only way to enjoy
the game
is to know...
sure, you might get hurt!
sure, you might hurt someone else...
but, no matter the outcome-
you will be OK!
You have been OK before..
and you can be OK again!!

If that is not there..
the game becomes about desperation..
the stakes get to high!

I am willing to roll the dice
and make a bet or 2...
I am willing to take a chance
on the least likely outcome...
I can take the risk
on a lucky hunch...
because I won this game
when I learned that playing it
is my CHOICE!

going better than expected...

So about 3 weeks ago
I had a first date..
we are now on date number 5ish...
not all fancy or formal..
some just walks
or snippets of time!
Still NEW!
Still unsure as to the next step!

however..
so far..
so good!

Slow..
kind..
respectful...
gentleman...

all good words...
all good things;
and all good reasons
to stick around for date
number 6!

Dating..Woes

So I am dating..
just a bit..
just a start..
a foot out the door!

I spoke to a friend
yesterday,
she said
"My hope is you will just enjoy the process!".

I want to..
I do!
But,
here is the thing;
Like most..
I have been hurt!
Badly!
Twice!
Both in the areas
of trust-
both in different ways-
but equally devastating!

So
now I am in a 'game'..
that has no rules!
A game with no guarantee..
a game that leaves me
wondering;
am I being played?
a game that makes it
hard for me
to relax within the lack of structure
and predictability!

In the early stages
of dating..
The signs are impossible
to read!
My signals are crossed
due to my walls!
and when something
I expected does not happen
I want to write the person off.
When something unexpected
but welcome;
happens..
I fight the thoughts of
being fooled...
ugh!

I know
its all part of the process!
I know trust
will one day be earned!

I know dating different
people..
getting to know
what I want
and what I do not..
is part of moving on!

Sometimes I wonder
if my heart
is strong enough
for the game..
or if I should just
bench myself..
once again!!

Worth the Wait...

I have been divorced
from my children's father
for almost 5 years...

We have had our ups
and
our downs..
I have shut him out..
he has done the same..
We have NOT been
the perfect divorced couple..

However..
we stuck through it!
Giving each other the benefit
of the doubt!
Both giving second
chances..
Both remembering
that before the divorce
there was love..

And here we are!
Today we sat
and talked about the kids.
It was nice!
It was open!
We are on the same page!
We then talked about a
movie
I have said no too..
he thinks yes!
He waited to ask me..
he did not override me
in his home..
The affect?
a compromise!

It has taken a while
for us to feel safe
with one another..
for us to each trust one another..
beyond the kids!
But, it is happening!

A relationship
being restored!
Not one of romance!
But, respect!
We will forever share
children..
and I hope
we will forever
share this..

I am blessed!
I KNOW this!
IT does not happen
like this for everyone!

But, there were also
many moments along
the way..
that we could have both
made choices
that took life in a different
direction!
It takes 2 to get to this moment!
and it takes choices along
the way!
It took letting go
and moving on.
It took strength
and determination...
and it took FAITH
to know
that it would one day
be what it should!

It took time...
And it was worth it!!

Past, Present, Forgiveness and letting go...

I have entered a new stage
in my life...
I am no longer as closed and fearful..
I am reserved and cautious,
but finally ready
to move on...

Not just with dating,
also with friends.
I have begun to focus more
on the friends
I have had..
and friends I have just met!
I am allowing myself
to go on dates...
I am also letting
go of the past!
Again, not just with past love
but also past friends.

Not every relationship
I have had..
has survived
the rocky road!
Some that I thought
would be resilient
have dissipated like dust..
some that I assumed
were circumstantial;
have proven to be
bound by ties to strong
to break.

Now,
I am ready to say goodbye
to the friendships
that did not make it..
the loves left in my past..
the dreams that were once
mine...
and instead embrace
who I am...
where I am...
and those still walking
this journey along side me.

New friends
and old..
first dates
and second...
Fresh starts
with a weathered perspective.

A new season..
a new, while rusty, me!

wow....that was NOT so bad...

so....
I did something
I rarely do...
in fact almost never!
I went on a date..
a real date!

dinner...
and then when the date
went well,
a movie.

It was nice.
Nice person...
easy conversation...
just nice..
easy...
NOT so bad.

Not sure where it will go..
maybe nowhere...
maybe somewhere....
but, I know
that this event that I avoid
was not nearly
as worth avoiding
as I imagined.

Part of the easiness
of the evening,
came when I realized
I am in control.
I can see this person again,
if he would like..
and I can see him often..
if we both choose...
and I can remain
uncommitted
as long as I am honest..
or I can choose to
get involved..
if we are both on the same
page..
or I can choose to walk away,
as can he!

There is no
pressure...
unless I allow it!
There is no decision
to be made...
unless, I choose
to be a part of it!

So,
a date became a date..
and a second date
..well...
still a date...
and a date with another?
still a date..

A word
that only carries as much
weight
as you allow it too..
when you decide it should.

The sounds of silence...

Tonight is the start of my weekend..
without the kids.

As I sit....
playing on Facebook..
watching the news..
feet on the coffee table...
dogs sleeping near by on the couch..

I feel relaxed.
I know I can sleep in...
I know that no-one
will need cough medicine,
or water,
in the middle of the night.

I am off duty.
I am enjoying the moment..

and then unbidden..
I remember,
I focus..
I understand...
This is not what being a
mom was meant to be!

I was meant to yearn
for nights out with friends!
I was meant to host weekly
sleepovers..
and make weekly Saturday
morning breakfasts..
I was meant to make cliche
statements
about sleeping when
the kids left home...
I was meant to feel cranky
that I was never in the house
alone..
I was meant to think about
'finding myself'
when my kids were grown
and gone.
I was meant to be on duty
ALL of the time...

I was not meant to
be here..
right now...
alone...
relaxed...
still...
enjoying the sounds of silence..
while counting the cost
of the absence.

I take the moment...
because it is here;
it is mine!
But, sometimes,
all I want...
is to give it back!

Friend or foe....

I have started wondering
what type of friend I am
these days??

I KNOW there have
been seasons
when I was an awful friend..
often non-existent....
as I tried to survive my life.

but, now..
as I am healing..
and healthier..

why do I feel
that maybe..
I am still,
just NOT that good
of a friend!!

I think I retreated
into a cave
several years ago!
Like a bear
licking its wounds...
and I wonder,
have I really come out???

I have a FEW friends
that I see inconsistently often,
but I know that I could call
them at any time..
and the same for them!

I have a group of gals
that are my 'coffee' friends..
and we meet at least
monthly,
and FB in between.

I know MANY people...
and get moments to encourage
those in my shoes
sometimes...

and my BFF from high school
is still one of my
very best friends..
but we chat when we can...
not that often!

and I wonder???
why am I not doing more!!!

I love the woman in my life!
I am blessed to love
and be loved by many!

Why?
am I still in my cave!
Why do I only have
the few...
that I choose to see..
and choose rather to be
alone
then reach out
most of the other times!

Does this make me a bad friend?
or am I still finding my footing?

I am not really sure!
and I am not sure
where to start!
because when you boil
it down to the basics...
I am still
a single mom..
who works full time..
goes to college...
and manages my home
and 3 kids!

Is friendship the priority
when time is so limited??

you see...
I think it is!
and I think
its time..
for me to be a better friend!
and in the process
become a better,
more well rounded
me!

A holiday that no longer hurts....

It is fathers day!
A day that has been bittersweet...
the sweet comes from my father
I love dearly!!
the bitter from the hurt
from the loss of the father
of my own kids..
the loss to me,
not them!

however,
this year..
I realize
that even in this last year
so much has changed!
Last year I felt sad as the day approached...
this year?
peace!

It seems the more time
that passes,
the more I reconcile...
not just my marriage,
but who I was
and was not within it..
the more I understand
that where I am now,
is where I want to be!
The more I am able
to separate the father in my
children's life..
from the man
that was in mine...

so today..
I shall help my children
cook their father dinner!
I shall set an example
of honor..
I shall help them celebrate
and cherish their dad.
They will serve him dinner
within their home,
while I run off to coffee..
they shall love,
as always,
freely..

And for the first time...
I feel free
to honor and respect
the role;
their father plays..
without
the tinge of hurt attached!

It takes time...
but, it happens!

A goodbye for good reasons..but it still hurts!

Today,
I said goodbye to my companion!

My golden..Simba.

I relinquished him
to a rescue!
A wonderful group of people...
equipped to care for him!

Why?
so many reasons.
The primary,
he had become aggressive
towards me and my kids..
the secondary,
(possible causes)
he had hip pain (dysplasia)
and grand mal seizures!

I am just not able
to pay for the medical procedures,
and I cannot risk
him hurting one of the kids!

It was a hard choice!
The rescue is wonderful,
they will have him cared for..
surgery, medicine, ect..
and then they will adopt him
into a home
without small children!
Best for him...
sad for us!

So much about Simba
makes me smile to remember...
and some makes me cringe!

He loved us all...
especially the cats!
His favorite was carrying
them in his mouth..
by their heads!
I am sure they
are not as sad about his
leaving,
as I am!!

Simba was an awful watch dog!
HE hid behind me when
he heard loud noises!!
Once he had me walking
around the house with a
BIG stick,
ready to dial 911,
as he cowered
and growled behind me!
His fear was directed towards the kitchen..
turns out the lunch box
on the table,
was casting a shadow..
that freaked him out!

But,in spite of his poor protection skills,
his presence made me feel
less alone!!
At night,
He slept near me
and his groans were comforting
in the dark!

I am alone..A lot!
When the kids are with their dad
I am more often alone
than not..
but a HUGE hairy dog
takes space...
shares breath...
shows affection...
and makes one feel
well...not.. so alone!!

Simba had his issues for sure!
He ate ANYTHING!
electric chords,
porch screens,
metal doors..
and even a pair of eye glasses!
He never outgrew the chewing stage,
did I mention he ate part of my couch?
We had gates up everywhere!

He also never actually learned
to obey!
He would do the same thing
and get caught every time!
He was my goofy dog!

Oh, how we loved him!
EVEN when he made us nuts!!!

I will miss him...
I will miss his presence..
I will miss the way he looked at me..
and how he bumped my hand
with his head
when he wanted some love!
I will miss sighing and saying,
"oh Simba..not again"..
when he ate something I was sure
was indestructible!
I will miss the way the cats
rubbed up against him,
and slept near him at night!
I will miss so much....
and for the moment,
I am remembering
how alone,
alone can really feel!

Its hard to share!!

I have blogged a lot
about the relationship
my ex and I have...
its as good as it gets,
short of being BFF's
or crossing healthy boundaries!

We are able to do things
together,
we talk about the kids...
and we communicate!

But, I admit..
sometimes its hard to share!

Its not so much
that I have to share the time!
Its that I do not get to share
in all the moments!!

Recently
their dad and I
talked about the cruise..
as much as I would like to
go again..
he would like to take them too..
so next year is his!
FAIR!
but, in a perfect world...
I would be on every vacation...
in a perfect world..
so would he.

sometimes, I take them to a movie
or concert
he wished he had..
and sometimes
he takes them to do something
I wish I could have done too...

Its not about anger
or resentment!
Its just about life!

When I became a mother
and envisioned a future...
I pictured the moments,
and never saw
fractured events!
I never imagined
that I would be hearing
about vacations
or movies
or parks..
rather then sharing in the
experience!
I am sure their dad feels
the same way!

There is no way around it!
We have done the best with
what we have!
We respect each others
need for memories and moments..
We both put the kids needs
above our own..
We are both willing
to share...
its just not always easy!

Then again...
the kids are loved
and spoiled times two!!
That is ALL good!

Two Big Events..1 lifetime to take it all in...

Nassua, Bahamas
About to get on the cruise
Floor seats at Taylor Swift


What a big weekend we had.
Starting with a concert..
where by the luck of the draw,
I bought us floor seats
to Taylor Swift!
It was truly amazing...
My girls first concert,
completely unforgettable!!

The next day we left
for our first family cruise!
Huge in so many ways..
we saved pennies and change.
I saved what I earned..
and I was able to pay it off
in cash...
I was thrilled to do this!!

We had a ball..
but it was also hard!!
It was stressful being the
only parent...
one adult..
three kids!
They wanted to do
different things,
and needed to be
in different places-
I was the only
cruise director
on duty!
They are still a bit
young to wander a ship alone..
so, when they needed to go,
I went too..
when they were ready
to come back,
I was there waiting!
I came home quite exhausted,
and a little surprised!!
It has only been
in thinking it over
that I have come to
understand..
why it felt stressful in
moments!!
and remembered that there is
pressure
when one does it alone...

Over all..
it was wonderful
and I hope we get to
do it again!!!
The funny part-
A huge ship..
2 different ports...
fancy dinners..
and cool bunk beds..
and the thing
my kids remember the most??
24 hour a day
ICE CREAM!!
:)
Love it!!

Now back to reality

and once more
I store the memories
and save the pictures....
and am deeply
thrilled
to have been able
to do this
with my little
family of four!