then and now...

tomorrow night is new years eve..
I plan on celebrating in my Pajamas..
with my three kids!
They are anticipating with excitement
their first time seeing 'the ball drop'..
I am sure they will be hopelessly dissapointed!:)
however, we will do fireworks,
and have a grape juice toast at midnight...
and something yummy for dinner!

I can't prepare for This new years eve,
without thinking back to the start of 2009.
to be honest I was in such a broken place
I cannot recall last new years eve..at all!
BUT, I do remember .....
I was filled with fear!
fear of the marriage I had run from,
fear of the future,
fear as I faced providing for my children,
fear as I faced finding a job for the first time in 12 years,
fear as I faced the 'what will people think' of a SECOND divorce,
fear as I had no home, where would I go?
The whole future was a dark , empty page.

Now as I look back on 2009
I can honestly say;
it has been one of the longest years of my life..
a lifetime seemed to pass in a year!
and yet,
the marriage ended...and I was OK!
the future arrived..and I was OK!
I am providing for my children..and we are OK!
I found a job I love..and I am OK!
People have accepted me, not judged me...and I am OK!
I have a place to live... My children and I and our mini-zoo are OK!!

The future was dark..
and yet as I look back on this year
there is more light then darkness.
The pages are no longer empty, they are full..
and what they say is ;
Life is hard in moments..
and soft in others!
Love hurts us to the core,
but it also saves us like nothing else can.
fear is real..
but fear can be overcome.
I am stronger and healthier because of all that happened in 2009!
I am ready to face 2010..
and it does not look dark and empty..
it is bright and welcoming,
saying;
just wait..what a year this shall be!

life is too short....

I have a friend...
she is young..
she is a mom...
she is crafty..
she is organized...
she is the polar opposite of me...

and she is dying.
she probably has days left!

When I first got to know her,
it seemed so unlikely we would hit it off,
I was the 'leader' of the ladies group..
she was the one who seemed to do it all and know how to get it all done..
and she did it well.
I liked her! A LOT!
I learnt so much from watching her..
and also learnt that I would never be like her...
she made her own christmas cards,
threw beautiful tea parties...
was creative in ways I could never even pretend to be..
she was something else!

Then she found out she had cancer..
she battled it for SIX years!
She raised her little ones
from preschoolers
to elementary students..
she poured into them.
She volunteered at their school
and spent time with them..
and went to treatment..
and NEVER said how scared she was!
She is the bravest person I believe I have ever known!

and now,
she fights with little strength,
and seems ready to let go!
and yet,
in those she leaves behind,
her legacy will live on!
We have all been reminded how special
rare friends are...
how short life is..
that each moment is a gift not a guarantee...
and we will not forget,
because she is and always will be unforgettable!

its complicated..really!

saw a great movie tonight..
it was really funny!
and I think it would have been funny
even if I could not relate..
but I could..
and that made it all the funnier!
the premise is too ex spouses having an affair,
while I cannot relate to that part,
the movie portrayed so well,
the history shared
and the complicated emotions surrounding
the relationship with someone you spent so much of your lifetime with...

My ex and I can chat about life like old friends...
its complicated!
My ex and I can seethe with anger towards each other over something
in the present
that reminds us of the past...
its complicated!
My ex and I exchange Christmas gifts every year
not from the kids
from each other,
not intimate at all
but personal.
for me chocolate or coffee, for him pictures of the kids...
its complicated!
My ex and I know each other better then we want to,
and often more then we would like too...
its complicated!
My ex and I know we would not want to be together,
but know we do not want the other to come to harm or hurt..
its complicated!
My ex and I have three children that we love, sometimes agree on, sometimes don't..
its complicated!

The emotions are complicated!
the feelings are complicated!
But, the reality is simple!
You can like each other even when you sometimes don't!
You can be friends in the midst of less then ideal circumstances!
You can move on and yet still share your children!
You can be bigger then the past!
You can find a new 'you' and 'him' and become better for it!
It will take time..
it will happen...
and its all worth it!

And this movie will make you laugh, cry and think!
and thats a hit with me!:)

Upside of divorce...

after a wonderful christmas morning..
when the presents were opened..
breakfast eaten...
wrapping paper thrown away...
my children were anticipating their dad
picking them up
for round two!
My middle child said
that she actually likes that she has two families,
that there is a good side to a divorce...
YES! the two christmas's!
I was so torn when she said it..
on the one hand
I am glad that hurt is no longer raw..
the new memories have overpowered old..
and that the silver lining evident.
On the other hand
I want to issue a warning..
something like
"don't try this at home.." or "leave this to the professionals"..
because the double holiday does not erase the lifetime
of potential hang ups and scars...
so much flashed through my mind,
but, I smiled and said " I know, how fun!"
They lived it..they know! they need no reminders...
and yes,there are upsides..
and the pain fades..
and this year I realized that Christmas was OK alone..
actually better then OK!
I have learnt that I will heal 'situationaly'
and some things cause no pain, some cause some pain and other situations cause....
just regrets, wishes, or hopes!
there is no one size fits all..
but all will pass and fade..
and each moment in time brings new hope and healing
and a healthier tomorrow!

seems anticipation trumps the actual event...

and thats a good thing!
I was dreading Christmas eve...
and yet...
so much time has passed...
and truly
time heals..
altho sometimes you don't know you are OK;
until you get through the event,
that left you wondering JUST how OK you would be...
tonight when the kids went to bed...
I put on a movie..
I lit a fire...
and I went all GIRLY!
something I don't do often..
I gave myself a pedicure...
a face mask (should happen WAY more often LOL!)
I ate chips and salsa...
and wrote about the year past in a journal..
and now, as the house is quiet
and kids are sleeping..
and 'Santa' starts to put the presents under the tree..
I realize
that quite to my amazement
I am having a GREAT night..
I am happy...
I am at peace..
and in this instant..
in this memory,
I have moved through
and on...
Merry Christmas to all...
and to all a GREAT night!

need ideas...

so its Christmas eve..
some of this days traditions will be easy to 'duplicate'..
and some of tonight will bring me to places and memories
that will hurt...
I would love to replace them..
but with what?

my family has always had a Christmas party for Jesus;
Christmas eve,
I have been doing this with my children since they were babies...
we always give Jesus a gift!
(sometimes a character we will work on, sometimes a commitment we will keep..)
This we will continue..
we go to church..
again, easy to do!
The kids open gifts from each other..
and the 'elves' leave new pajamas under the tree..
all fun traditions that won't change..
then they head to bed excited..

and heres the void...
For the 16 years I was with my ex
Christmas eve was ours!
WE never made it to Christmas morning
with a single present left to open,
so we gave up the fight
and made it our 'tradition'.
presents and grape juice under the tree..
when the kids went to bed!
An evening I cherished for years...

first year he was gone,
I was too numb to feel anything other then the void that life brought..
second year I had remarried and was just trying to survive my circumstances...
last year
I had fled and was alone and sad...
this year..
new year...
new me..
new health..
new balance..
but still a void in the place where the memory used to be..
I hope to find something of mine to do..
something that brings me joy...
and something that starts a new tradition
in spite of the past...
still needing some inspiration
on just what that shall be!

New memory and new dynamics!

Tonight my children and I
were blessed by the chance
to go on 'the polar express!'
we happen to be one of the cities that does it!
it was a blast!


the first hurdle was getting my kids to wear PJs in public..
I, of course, wore them too!
The rest of the night was a lesson
in the changing dynamics of our family!
The kids are getting older!
so they had so much fun,
but also created their own fun!
They did not just sit on the train,
they played games of 'slap'
and told silly riddles!
My oldest went out of his way to drive his sisters crazy
and changed all the words of the Christmas carols being sung..
my youngest had some not so pretty moments
over silly things..
but out of all of them,
loved the MAGIC of Santa
and was so excited by the sleigh bell she was given...
As I sat back and watched them
I saw them as they are..
young people,
(no longer babies
or small children...)
with hurts and hangups..
and grace and compassion...
and their own ways of facing the world!
Its tough sometimes as a mom alone..
my voice is not deep or threatening...
I am smaller then my son...
and so my 'authority' is not always as easily exerted..
but I see the rhythm my family is finding..
and I am getting,
that while It may not look like I thought it might..
from where I sat tonight,
it looked pretty good!

something big....

Tonight I finished up something big..
and it was big in so many ways..
I participated in our church dinner theater...
a good sized church..
five shows..
packed out...
but thats not what was so big..

many years ago my first husband and I
started doing this together...
the year he left
I did it alone..
and felt his absence..
then I remarried,
and knew days of drama and dinner theater were over,
he would never stand for me being out of his sight
with other men..(GASP)..
and so I reluctantly said good bye in my heart,
to this outlet I enjoy!

so here I am..
relationship one and two over,
the first a part of this..
the second the reason I could not be involved..

and I am back doing something I enjoy
and this time alone!
Thats big!

BUT even bigger,
is that tonight
my first husband and his girlfriend
came with our kids
(his and mine)
to watch..
and it was harder then I thought..
but I got through it!
I had a lump in my throat all night..
but spoke through it
and managed in spite of it!
why the lump? I am not sure!
BUT, I believe its based on what was..
and what was lost..
and the loneliness I sometimes feel now..
the end of the shows, feeling the excitement
and then going home alone with no-one to tell..
the memories of years past
doing this exact same thing..
with someone I loved..

however, in all this,
I did something I enjoyed!
I managed it while caring for my children
and working my full time job..
the house..well, that was let go:)..
but, the rest did OK!
I invited my ex and his love into my 'safe' place
my church..
and I made it through!
and I met new, wonderful people!

and was reminded that I am so much more
then the heartbreak and brokenness,
there is so much hope and life ahead,
there are new challenges and experiences..
and possibly one day,
there will be someone
that I will be able to share these things with..
and until then
I am learning to face the loneliness
and know that it shall pass,
and the experience is so much greater then the moments of hurt
that surround it!!

reprise on ugly word...

as I thought and rethought
and 'listened'
to a wise person..
I realized that,
the 'we' that hurts
is not the 'we' that represents the couple..
it is the 'we' that represents the other family!
It is the 'we' as would be in
'her mother and I'...
and thats the 'we' that hurts!
when you realize
that another 'couple' are invested
and have a thought and opinion
on your children..
and half of that other couple
was not someone you chose..
or loved..
or committed yourself and lifetime too..
and yes, this goes both ways!!
I fell in love once with another..
and hope to one day again!
its the reality of a divorce..
but it is one of the realities that is hardest to swallow..
because long after you fall out of love with your ex..
you are still daily falling in love with your children,
so sharing them..
hearing from another
whose 'we' can change the direction
is a battle that will be faced and faced again!

ugliest word when you are divorced..

I am learning there is a word
post heartbreak;
that is uglier then a four letter word..
that word is WE!
and it is said by your ex
and does NOT refer to him and you!

YUCK!

'we' were wondering..
'we' were thinking..
'we' have an issue..
'we' would like....
blah blah blah blah blah...

Its not that I am surprised...
hes been with the gal a long while..
but always without true commitment.
living together on and off..
but he was HE
she was she..
he left me as he did not want to be committed!
So whats the 'we' stuff?????
I know that if they marry there will be more of it,
so I guess this is the initiation..
but for whatever reason,
hearing a sentence
beginning with 'we'
from the person you once believed
was your forever...
is just,
YUCK!

ummm...so ouch!

my daughter comes home today..
she said they are making presents for their families in school!
"But, its so hard" she says...
"whats hard honey??"
"well..who to give it to? you or papa?"
SLAM!! OUCH!! ARROW TO THE HEART!!
ok..
so..
umm..
does he take out their baby stuff and cry over the memories?
has he been carrying a container filled with their art projects since birth?
did he ..ummm.. birth them??
OK...
but , he IS their dad!
and it sad for them!!
and they love us both the same..
and I get that!!

so,
I have decided against waving my hand in the air
shouting
"pick me!pick me!"..

instead I wrote the school principal..
I suggested that in the age of broken families
and blended homes..
maybe children should have the opportunity to create gifts
for both families
rather then choosing between them..

and somehow
I will find a way to help them with their choice,
maybe help them 'make ' a second similar gift..
or suggest that this year they give them to their dad..
as much as their hand made things matter..
their handle with care hearts matter more!
so my role is to swallow the lump
and help my children
deal with the cards they did not ask to be dealt!

the parts that stick.....

I wonder about letting go..
I feel that I have..
and yet I realize that its not complete..
I have let go of my hope of reconciliation..
in fact I have accepted this is better!
But, what I have not let go of yet,
is the lack of understanding as to why this is better??

When I imagine what a divorce does..
I see it this way!
When you marry
its like a blue sheet of paper being glued right on top
of a pink sheet of paper..
during your marriage the glue dries
and you are two sides of one sheet..
one side blue, one side pink,
Then you divorce,
you rip the sheets of paper apart,
but you cannot make a clean break.
The blue sheet has little pieces of pink paper remaining on it,.
the pink sheet has little blue bits of paper remaining on it...
eventually each sheet absorbs the foreign 'paper'
and you can no longer tell whats pink and whats blue..
but what you know is that neither sheet of paper will ever look like it did before...

and so, after 16 years together..
some of the pieces are still there.
and sometimes I wonder
at what it should have been!
NOT at what it was or what it is now..
but what was meant instead..

BUT, where that leads me
is not to the past..
but to the future..
is it possible
that what was meant to be is still out there?
that fairy tales exist?
or at the very least
a relationship of equals..
where love is paired with like..
where respect is paired with desire.
where commonalities are paired with differences.
where hurt is paired with grace.
where forever is a real possibility???......

the pieces still left remind me of what was not..
and what maybe one day shall be!

when will I not find it surprising??

three years ago my children s father left..
and he is still happy!
I think deep down I always believed that one day
he would miss me...
I gave him my all..
loved him completely..
it took me a while to grasp
that I was not what he wanted..
my love was not the love he desired...
neither one of us have wanted a reconciliation
in three years..
for me the reason is simple...
he hurt me deeply.
I cannot be hurt like that, by him again..
I do not believe that my heart could withstand it...
We both fell out of love in the process of dismantling our lives..
and yet,
still three years later...
when I see evidence of his new life..
his carefree, stay out late, party if you want to..
life!
I am surprised...
how is that what he wanted more then what we had?
I still wonder how its enough..
and I still find myself fighting tears
when I drive away
from dropping my kids..
my hurt is not the person,
it is the rejection of what we had,
and the choice made instead!
Certainly, it has lessened in time,
but I wonder will it ever sink in?
will I ever not be surprised
that he has found happiness in a life so different..
from the life we lived??

What I LOVE about fridays...

so many things...

Friday is normally a good day at work...
its art day for my little kiddos...
my own children are relaxed as it is dress down day at their school..
so Friday starts well...

When I leave work on a Friday
I walk out the doors take a deep breath
and the relief I feel STILL is huge!
For 13 plus months I carried a feeling
of having to answer at all moments to another..
I carried the weight of an obsessive relationship...
when I walk away from my day job
and head to my home
it is with lightness and relief!
The gratefulness I feel at no longer living in daily volatility
and walking on eggshells,
so deep...
I feel that most on Fridays..

then there is my Fridays with the kids..
tonight being one..
we watch movies, get take out, light a fire, drink hot chocolate..
there is no more perfect place for me to be...
and of course,
there are the Fridays with out the kids..
and funnily,
the routine is often the same.,
my favorite thing is renting a movie,
getting Thai food
lighting a fire..
and enjoying my Friday alone...

and lastly I love
that Friday when the kids are in bed..
I feel the freedom to let all the chores be,
I know that Saturdays coming..
so the dishes can wait,
the laundry can sit,
the dust can collect..
and for tonight
I relax...
and read...
and enjoy the fire..
and love that its Friday!

time for me??

learning..
there really always is time for me.
Sometimes something is left undone..
and sometimes something is deemed
just not that important,...
but I have found that I can find those moments
in my day...
on my 30 minute break
I chat with my best friend...
or read in a comfy chair..
or stare into space,..
or pray!
At night,
sometimes I watch a 30 minute show..
sometimes I blog..
sometimes I exercise...
but always something!
I used to measure time to myself by quantity,
I have learnt that sometimes its in stolen moments.
Always, I build time in to read until I fall asleep,
sometimes thats 10 minutes
sometimes an hour..
but its all mine...
this season I am doing something BIG for me..
I am acting in my church's dinner theater!
While doing dinner theater is not new...
it is the first time since being on my own
that I have done this..
the kids come watch the practice and enjoy..
dishes pile up a bit..
laundry is a bit behind...
but, I am having a blast!
NOT at the compromise of anyone or anything..
I need make no apology...
I am learning
that I am mom, and daughter, and sister and friend and employee...
and in all that, best not forget thatI am also me!

tis the season to be busy....

really,I cannot believe that we are more then one week into December!
I am learning some important truths
about being a 'work outside of the home' mom, this season.
Because there is alot of fun things to do
sometimes weekend 'housework' gets pushed aside!
Here is the problem..
if you are gone ALL day..
and there are functions at night...
well, you don't get to catch up!
YIKES!
however, the functions are seasonal
and this Christmas will be extra sweet...
so what if we don't have any clean clothes to wear..
and the bathroom needs a serious makeover..
it will all still be there in January!
It might be a bit scary..
but it will be there none the less!!

Merry Christmas to all....

I have decided to take blogging to a new level. I will be skipping Christmas letters and emailing my blog instead! In truth this is actually good for me, as it has been 3 years since I so much as mailed a Christmas card!
This is better!
So, where to start...
A Christmas letter would normally cover all that happened this year!
so much to say...
so I will start with the kids! Thats traditional right?? :)


My kids are amazing!
All are excelling in school. All are involved in things they enjoy! Tristan is loving Boy scouts! And all three enjoy theater! They have over come all the challenges thrown at them this year, and the year before and the year before that.... and have shown grace under pressure and character through adversity! Tristan plans on being a black smith when he grows us, however, if that falls through he will fall back on mechanical engineering!! seriously!! :) Shyla wants to be a teacher! She will be a great one! And Brenna, yes...of course... a Rock star! She is the Diva in training and takes her role very seriously!:)

I have had a great year! The kids and I moved in May to a little home
with a big yard! My favorite feature is the fireplace and we use it constantly! I am working as a preschool teacher and loving it. I love my church and love my friends. I see my parents and family quite often and could not ask for anything else in life!

Lastly,
our 4 legged friends. This letter would not be complete
without the other family members in our lives!
So, in no particular order... We have 2 dogs. Theodore, a yorkie, and Simba a Golden retriver! neither listen AT ALL. But , both bring us great joy! We have 3 inside cats, Skipper, Gilligan and Stellaluna. Then there is Boet-Boet the African tortoise, and Sofeara the water dragon, Fireball the bearded dragon and lastly, Patroum the rabbit! Phew... no wonder people think I am nuts! Ha ha!

Our home is full...Our lives blessed..my children have refound their laughter and I have found my smile..not the one you paste on, but the one that touches your soul.
This Christmas brings new memories and takes me back to old ones. It is a season of learning and pressing through, but also a season of new hope, new blessing, new purpose and above all a renewed faith in the one who has carried us through the storm, loved us through the pain and provided for us in the midst of the drought! God has shown himself in all his glory and this Christmas we celebrate his love and his faithfulness.
Merry Christmas
Debbie and kiddos!

tumbling emotions...

hmmmm...
yep! thats all I have!
OK not really!
BUT hmmmm.....
for the last year I have felt completely
determined
to not date...
or be open to date...
or to even think about dating!
I am not sure thats changed...
and yet,
the idea is not repulsing me as much!
Thats good right?:)!
There is no 'person'
but I have begun to notice
tenderness between men and women...
and remember,
and wonder..
and think,
maybe, that would not be the worst thing in the world!
BUT, then again...
I guess the moral
of my tumbling words..
is I am ready to think about..
thinking about it!
and after two devastating hurts...
thats a start!

New traditions...New tears...New start!

There are so many firsts this season..
and I am learning
that with every first
is a bittersweet moment!!

3 years ago when my marriage fell apart,
my first holiday season was spent at my mom and dads..
I was living with them,
and they carried the load!
It was a sad time for me..!
The next holiday season
I had remarried,
I had hope..
yet nothing was as expected..
we had my family over
and it was preceded by a HUGE fight..
and ended with me crying in the driveway when they left to go home..
wishing I was going with them!
The next holiday season..
I had just fled that volatile relationship..
I was living in an in law apartment
someone had kindly lent us!
There was no tree..
or much room to decorate..
and it was the first Christmas morning
my children were with their dad...
bleak and lonely!

So here I am..
Holiday season number 4!
determined to make new memories...
knowing that means getting beyond the past!
Today my children and I decorated the tree..
we had our first 'alone' thanksgiving dinner..
we drank eggnog
and watched its a wonderful life..
we lit a fire,
even tho its really not that cold!
It was not a perfect day!
We are family,
drama is implied!
BUT it was a good day...
and it was a start for me,
the step towards knowing
I can do all these things alone.
and yet, in a quiet moment,
I sat with my coffee and looked at the tree...
and I cried!
I am not sure if I cry for the past
and a person,
I think I cry because there is no one to do this with,
I think I cry from the hurt
of a missing family member!
I think I cry because I am alone!
And yet,
when the moment passes,
I know and understand
I would not...at this time..have it any other way!
These moments are mine,
the future is waiting...
and the present is exactly where I want to be!

I have lost so much to be thankful for...

its the time of year
when everyone reflects on what they are thankful for...
in my life there is so much!
BUT much came at a price.
I cannot reflect on what I have
without thinking in moments
of what I have lost...

I have my children..
I lost their father...
The moments around turkey with family
will always hold an empty spot..
17 thanksgivings with someone..
and the chair they sat in will always seem theirs..
and yet...
4th thanksgiving without
and it does not hurt ...
there is a twinge..
but, I can wish him well..
This year I will even pick the kids up
at his families
and see his mom
and sisters
for the first time
since he left!
and I am ready....
for that I am thankful!

I have a home..a roof over my head...
I lost the home my children grew from babies to children in..
the home that had hand prints on walls..
height measuring lines in their bedrooms..
and pink counters in the kitchen.
The home I held thanksgiving in...
and entertained my family at...
This year,
our 'home' is just ours!
There are no memories
that do not belong to the children and I.
There are no rooms that hurt to walk in...
there are no hidden secrets and whispered words
within the foundation of this home..
for that I am thankful.

I have a job...
I lost my role
as stay at home mom...
MY children are now away from me...
8 hours a day...
I am no longer home except
weekends and evenings...
they learn their lessons from teachers and friends..
and I do damage control at home.
This year..
my children have shown they can excel in school.
They have learnt so much
and shown that they can be mature about
what to retain and what not..
I am surrounded by coworkers that I love
and respect...
I face a holiday season
without fear of unemployment..
for this I am thankful...

There is so much in my life that has brought me joy..
and most of these times
have been preceded by a time
that brought great hurt!
But this thanksgiving
while I remember the hurt,
I am so deeply grateful
for the growth
that has come from it!

LONG but HEALING!!!

Written on year ago .....
November 2008
I have come to a place of realizing who I am and who I am not!
Part of this journey has been understanding that for much of my life
I have tried to be someone I am not!

I believed a good woman and wife would be meek and mild at all times.
I believed submission meant dieing to self.
And yet, what I have found is that often I felt so convicted in
areas and unsure what was OK to feel and what was not.
Arguing and speaking up was called 'defensiveness' and 'rebellion'
and I believed it. I feared strength in woman.
In fact I argued against women in powerful positions.
I believed strength was in my 'meekness'.
And yet, what I have realized is that in many ways
I was never challenged in areas I held strong.
My greatest area of conviction, my children, was largely left to me.
And so, I continued to believe that I was meek, pliable and completely subservient.
With much internal insight I have come to understand a central truth-
I am strong! I have strong feelings and convictions.
If I argue it is not rebellion or defensiveness,
it is from a place of strength and belief.

As I look at my life and foresee the future-
I envision what my life will look like-I envision my children, their future and their partners.

I want my girls to understand the beauty in their strength,
and the gift of their submission. I want my son to accept his role in whole.
the headship in love and mutual submission to his future partner.
I want modeled for them a marriage
that shows acceptance, encouragement, trust , leadership and yes, submission.
But, this model will not be complete with only 2 of these traits,
it needs all of these traits and more to present the complete image of love
I wish for them.

I look over my life and I have come to understand more of who I am.
I do not need, or even desire alot to be happy.
However there are some basic things I NEED; (no particular order)
1) fairness
2)acceptance
3)basic shelter
4)stability for my children
5)spiritual connections
6)social interactions/family
7)to be valued
8)outlets that leave me feeling like I made a difference

These things are part of who I am and what I need.
My spirit 'rebels' and reacts when these things are missing.
These things make up my core.
So these things need to be in place in my life and relationship for me
to be completely centered.
__________
one year later and I feel all this and more...
moving forward, forward, forward!

Further along then I thought...

Today my mom and I have spent the day
clearing out a trailer
that was packed
a year ago...

I came across journals
and reminders
of the life I fled!

I think I may focus some on that time..
in my next few posts.

The time in which I remarried
believing I had found forever..
and instead found
a life I never expected,
a nightmare I could not wake up from.

It is significant;
as how I got there
matters...
but why I left matters more!

And in reading the journals
written before I left...
I realized that I had begun to get it!
I had begun to realize
that my dignity and humanness
were not up for sale..
that the treatment I was receiving
at the hands
of someone who claimed to love me
was not OK!
I had begun to grasp
my worth!

and as I read those entries..
I felt even more hope then before!
It has not taken me a year to get strong...
it has taken me a year to discover
that I was already strong!
That I had already decided
my course,
that I will not repeat that past
because I had already begun to dismantle it!

A relief to know,
the journey started
before I even realized I was going anywhere.

How long is a year?

Today marks the anniversary
of the day I left..
and turned my back on
the saddest, most oppressive, most demeaning and hurtful situation I have ever been in...
I have relived that night in my blog..
it was truly the worst night of my life!
And so, on this significant date
I will instead reflect on all that has come to pass!

One year ago I left..
with no plan!
I will be eternally grateful to those
who paved the way
with a moments notice,
for me to be safe and free!
I did not know where I would live..
where I would work...
how I would survive!
I was scared to death!!!!

one year later...
The kids and I live in a wonderful little home..
we have a big backyard,
a fireplace
(that we use in ANY weather!!!)
family pets...
used but good furniture...
its eclectic..
NOTHING matches!
ITS quirky as all get out!
Its EVERYTHING my home should be!
And when I walk outside in the mornings...
I breathe in the air
and I know that I am free..
sometimes I worry about bills...
I do not have a lot..
but I have a place
for my children and I..
provided, not by someone
who expects my soul..
but instead by my hard work!

One year later....
I have a job I love...
I teach little ones!
something I was born to do!
I have always loved children!
Always loved to teach!
And Always loved to nurture!
Ideally I wanted to spend my lifetime homeschooling my children..
that was not the plan for my life!
So instead I get to love on others children.
They are part of my heart...
and I would not choose to do anything else!
If I must be a working mom..
and I must..
I am doing what I love!!

One year later..
I am 3 weeks away
from completing the classes I need for a 2 year certification
needed in my field!
There is a little more left in the process
but I am almost there!
6 months of school
for 2 nights a week..
while working full time..
and raising 3 kids..
no small feat!
But, I did it!

One year later..
I have started counseling!
I have begun to learn how to say no.
or at least recognize when I should have said no!
I have started becoming who I want to be
rather then who I think I should be!
I have had not one moment of regret for leaving!
My regret is getting in the situation to begin with!
and through counseling I am learning
how to make sure
it never happens again!

On year later..
I have yet to go on a date!
and I have yet to desire to go on a date!
I have been asked..
and I have considered...
and yet know I am not ready!
I am where I want to be,
and for now that is very single!

One year later..
my children are thriving..
great grades in school..
all involved in outside activities...
all have friends..
(or in my sons case..the introvert..he knows some people he likes!:) its a start!)
they love their church,
they see their dad,
they are normal kids
with normal issues..
and thats the best part!
There is no longer dysfunction and fear!
Their life is normal...
their mother happy..stressed sometimes..but happy!
They are free to just live and be kids...

On year later...
I am participating in a church dinner theater,
something I enjoy!
I walk and sometimes run!
when I choose!
I am a vegetarian
most of the time vegan..
something that feeds my soul
and convictions!
I have a best friend!
I have old DEAR friends!
I have new GOOD friends!
I have SADLY lost some friends!
But, my personal life
is rich and full!

One year later...
above all..
I am relearning to trust
and rely on
my savior and Lord!!
I have been protected and carried
by Jesus..
through the storm!
He has taught me that no mistake
is to big for him to forgive or restore..
that no hurt is to big for him to heal!
He has loved me completely!

One year later..
I am safe in his arms..
I am free of the fear!

When you know life will never be the same..

I was on one of my favorites sites ; Dianes addled ramblings. She used a prompt that I am borrowing:

Describe in 1000 words or less a time when something happened and you knew that life would never be the same...

For me the moment took months to get too..
we were nearing 14 years of marriage.
I knew something was wrong...
but I did not know what!
I assumed it was finances,
I assumed it was stress.
The LAST thing I assumed was that it was over.

The drama started when I asked one night,
" is it us?"
and he replied
" I think marrying you was a mistake".
ouch! and yet still there was hope..
somehow still hope..
and then the counseling
and the fights
and the tears..
and I could not understand!
Why?
What was wrong?
how could I fix this?
I was desperate to fix this!
I loved this man more then I had loved any one or anything in my whole life..
I had loved him blindly and completely...
I had a family with this man..
children whom I love more than anything is this world..
I could not loose my life..
and that is what it would be!
But, all I got was
" we married too young. I need some space".
Then the counselor, also at a loss,
recommended a separation.
still I hoped!
I lay in bed the night he left thinking,
" This is us. We have been together since we were 17. We will be OK".
there was hope..
and then he came home one night..
and sat at the table and said"
" I am ready to come home"..
and in that moment I knew it was over!
I saw something in his eyes...
I knew there was a question I must ask.
and I knew that the answer would be the death of my hope!
In that moment I knew it was time...
and I uttered the words that started the process of loosing my heartbeat, my love...forever
" is there someone else"..
I knew...
"yes" would follow..
then came the death blow..
"do you love her?"
and in the reply
came the loss of all hope.

acceptance or denial....?

I have to admit...
that there are certain things about a divorce
that get harder with time..

there are things that get easier..
certainly the hurt is less in time,
certainly the fear gets better,
certainly as you let go
it gets easier..
You make a new life
and you move on...

BUT, for me one aspect gets harder...
The 'other lady' in my now ex's life..
The one whom now shares his heart and home,
is now the 'other lady' in my children's life.
And sometimes I struggle...
They like her..
my youngest adores her...
and she is good to them!
and I am GLAD she is good to them!

SO why do I sometimes feel jealous??
maybe because finances are different in their home..
2 incomes...
therefore more fun activities...
maybe?
maybe because sometimes I have to let go of one of my plans...
times when a movies watched with her is one I had looked forward to watching with my girls..
or a play attended is one I had hoped to share with them...
its selfish!
I KNOW that!!!
and yet its there..
that wish that as their mother..
I never had to share moments!
I never had to bring up something I was excited to do with them..
only to hear its been done already with someone else...

AND yet..
if I had to choose
I would take this over someone who hurts them!
This breaks my heart,
the other would break theirs!!!

regardless of the positive..
no matter how grateful I am for the good...
there are moments
when the other lady in the lives of what used to be MY family
makes me feel really, really bad!

trust even when things are good?

I used to always believe life was good...
people were good..
and ultimately it would all work out!
these last three years have taught me
that life is hard..
people are not always good...
and sometimes it just does not work out at all!!

It has caused a deficit in my ability to trust..
in anything!
I went from the naive gal who trusted too much..
to the naive gal who is still surprised by life..
yet does not trust at all!!

when I notice it the most
is when things are going good!
Right now is one of those times...
out side sources have been blessing my children and I
in big ways and small ways
and all such important ways!
some of these blessings literally improved our life
by improving the comfort of our home...
some of these blessings have touched my heart
as they are affirming and validating and accepting...
and all of these blessings have left me speechless.

And yet,
My head keeps running to the next stage,
the stage where it gets hard again...
the stage where I might get hurt again...
the stage where I might feel alone again..
and I wonder..
when does the trust return?
not just the trust of men..
but the trust of actions
and people..
the trust that those around that say they love you
and show it..
and follow through...
won't suddenly stop and run and decide you are too much trouble..

I always thought trust was only with in a relationship
and yet through this
I have come to understand that when you have been hurt
learning to trust
is in everything you do..
and every breath that you take..
its in your friendships
and your conversations..
its in your thoughts
and your actions...
learning to trust that you can trust..
and what is...is...
is a much harder process then I ever imagined!

learning to live in the moment...
and accept that this moment is real..
and just feel happy!
Instead of waiting...
for the roof to fall again...
is a task...
BUT, its a task I am glad to face!
Because facing this
means that there are those showing their love..
and daring me to trust...
and so in this moment I start..
in this moment I trust!
Knowing tomorrow I will face the battle again..
and knowing tomorrow I will choose again
to live in my moment..
and trust in this moment...
and eventually I will no longer fear to trust...
I will just once again live
and trust will once more be apart of who I am.

significant date

I looked at the date today
on the church bulletin..
and it nagged at me!
what was significant about November 8th!
and then I remembered!
It was the anniversary of my first date
with the man who owned my heart for 16 years
and who then broke it completely......
19 years ago today we had our fateful first date..
17 years old!
So young!!
and yet,
as I remembered the date..
and remembered the fact that for years we re-enacted our first date..
a very significant fact HIT me!
On our first date we went to pizza hut!
I HATED pizza hut!
Did I say that?
Did I suggest somewhere else?
Of course not!
I went and enjoyed and stared in this boys blue eyes and fell hopelessly in love!
I did confess at some point
that I hate pizza hut..
but it stands out now,
as I am learning to say no!
learning to respect my own boundaries!
Learning not to compromise to please others...
I am able to look back and see how far back this issue goes!
and accept the scope of what I am trying to overcome!
and as with all issues..
its starts with acknowledgment!!
and then requires steps to overcome the past
to make a better future!

The un spoken understanding between broken hearts...

When I speak to people
about my pain
these past few years..
some get it..
some feel it on my behalf...
some sympathize...
some listen..
some help...
but only some
Speak the language of a broken heart!
A language that is learned
through pain and brokenness
a language that can not be translated
only understood...
a language that takes but a moment in time to learn
and a lifetime to learn to live with..
and yet the beauty in this language
is that if you have learned it..
you have also learned to speak it with strength,
you have learned that this new language of hurt
does not define you..
and you have learned that speaking this language
allows you to understand
the heart to heart communication
from someone whose heart is breaking still..
it is a language of loss...
but it will become a language of love.

Happy Birthday to my Middle child and oldest daughter

Today is the tenth birthday
of my Daughter!
She is an amazing child.
She is passionate
and talkative.
She is funny
and sassy.
She is such a helper
and has a giving heart.
She wants to change the world,
and has already changed my life.
She is a blessing
and she is my heart!
Happy birthday my Shyla!
I love you-
mom

what makes it so hard sometimes?

the reality is that being a single mom (parent) IS hard!!
I have been a single mom now for almost a year...alone!
While my divorce happened just over 3 years ago,
the first year was spent with my parents..
the next in a- Hell on earth- marriage..
and so now, I am doing it alone!
And while I still, daily, feel grateful
that I am no longer being hurt and trampled on emotionally..
the reality is sometimes
I feel the weight of what it is to do this by myself..

My kids!
I want to be a great mother!
and yet, I have just a few hours a day
and every other weekend..
to be that 'great mom'.
So, if I am tired
or they are fighting
or I am distracted..
poof...that times gone..
and in its place the regret and guilt
that my time was not managed better!

My bills..
I hate to even go here..
I would rather bury my head in the sand..
BUT, I was out of the work place for 10 years...
I never went to college...
I married young and just wanted to be a wife and mom...
I love my job now...
would love to do it forever!
BUT, financially, I struggle sometimes to keep my head above water!
and I think this is an aspect that is SO hard for single moms!
We are ALL grown up!
We were used to a certain way of life..
not necessarily an excessive way of life..
BUT most likely comfortable..
and then you find your self, often, in a lifestyle that is no longer even 'comfortable'...
and adjusting to living that way..
is not easy!!
and adds to the stress..
and then there are all the EXTRAS...
the house,
the yard,
the car,
the trash,
the holidays,
the school events,
and , of course, work!..
then there are the 'talks'
the S*X talks with the preteens..
the no drinking and drug talks..
the peer pressure talks..
the daughters whose friends are BFFs one day and mortal enemies the next..
the homework...
the school projects....
then the extra curricular activities
and church....

then there is the 'split family'
the different rules in the two different homes...
the split holidays..
and shared family times and events!
its endless...

and when you look at all that falls on you...
even when the other parent is in the picture,
as my childrens father is..
and its overwhelming!!

and so, know how BIG it is..
realize this is not a small feat!
as a single mom you have gone from
a helping income, if you worked at all,
to the only income!
and even with child support,
it can be hard to make ends meet!
You have gone from security
to a very shaky foundation,
you have downsized, most likely,
your home..
your income..
your assets...
your friends...
your lifestyle..
and you have up sized
your pressure
and your responsibility!

IT will be OK
BUT, the reality is scary sometimes..
and sometimes you need to build in the times
to face what is...
grieve what was..
and be better prepared for whats to come!

importance of learning who you are...

Time alone after a divorce is VITAL!
I can say this NOT because I am so smart
and insightful..
but because I did it all wrong the first go round!

The time alone..takes time...!
meaning;
When the divorce first happens
you are alone...
but you do not want to be there!
You do not want to be alone,
and the loneliness is consuming!
Then you reach a place
when you are still alone
but long for company!
You are not just lonely,
you are needy!
You wish you had someone
to love you and hold you..
you wish that you were not doing
all the things you are doing
alone...
so your alone time
is not peaceful..
it is sad and resentful...
then you reach a place
when you are alone..
and you are glad you are alone!
When you are alone,
you may miss people..
or even a loved one..
you may feel lonely at times,
BUT you enjoy the time you have!
you look for things to do ALONE..
you think..
you learn..
you grow...
THIS is when you heal!
When you have been alone long enough
to stop wishing you were not alone..
and instead accept and embrace the reality of what being alone is!
However, you cannot get here without going through
all the other steps!
and if you jump ship during one of the stages..
and find someone to fill the void
during the lonely times,
you will never reach the place of healing,
that allows you to
with an open heart
mind and soul
accept that maybe you are ready
to allow someone back in...
and maybe you are not!
But, either way
you will never again
want to NOT have time alone...
its a wonderful thing!

hard lesson...BITE your tongue!!

I have lived by the rule..
in my home
since divorce..
that words should be chosen carefully,
especially about my ex!
I have chosen not to put him down to the kids...
and even go as far as to tell them stories
about his childhood or our dating days...
I want them to know the man I knew...
in spite of my broken heart!
In addition, I have tried to be careful to watch my words
about the woman in his life!
The one he loves now..
but loved too soon..
before he was free to love her...
while he should have been loving me!
Sometimes, I slip!
In truth I am 'justified!' based on the baggage!
BUT in reality
it is my children who pay the price!
I did not realize how 'loose' with my tongue I had been..
until in front of my ex husbands live in love-
my children shared things I had said..
that were not flattering nor very nice!
While I contemplated crawling in a hole
or pinching my kids ( LOL)...
I learnt a BIG lesson!
No matter how much time passes...
no matter how much hurt there remains...
NO matter how wrong the injustice..
words are powerful
and they will come back to haunt you..
if you do not take the time to think
before speaking!
ESPECIALLY in front of your children!
Lesson lived, noted and learnt! !!!!!

learning to ask

Ok..so now I am here!
I live this life
and I am doing my best to do it well!
Sometimes I pass and sometimes I fail!
BUT, always I try!
However, when things are too hard...
or seem unattainable
or beyond reach..
what then??
I feel stretched already!
How do I do more or add more if I need more??

I am learning to ASK!!!!
I am finally reaching a place
of being able to say...
hey, if you know of anyone who has this
I need this!
If you know of anyone who can do this
I need this!
Its freeing in and of itself!
so many times I wonder or worry or stress...
and I am coming to understand
that there are those
who want to help...
who have skills
or clothes
or friendship to give..
and are just waiting for someone to ask!!
learning to ask...
another step closer...
to being completely free!

life goes on..and on...,

so..life is just..life!
NOTHING big
NOTHING small!
and thats the great part of my post!!

Its amazing to me
as life goes on..
and I get further from the hurt
and fear
and drama....
how normal life becomes...
even the abnormal is normal!
Kids being sick, normal!
Kids being healthy, normal!
Long work day, normal!
Great work day, normal!
Stressful afternoon , normal!
peaceful afternoon, normal!
This is life...
it continues...
and a life lived out loud...
a life lived out of the shadows,
a life lived with freedom and peace...
is a beautiful , NORMAL , thing!
I LOVE NORMAL!

OK..so.... next....

So what do you do when you hit the wall??
you climb it...
what do you do when you are buried under it?
you dig out!

I dug my way out!
Yes, sometimes life stinks!!
Yes, sometimes it is hard!
and I think its OK to cry!
Its OK to take a moment, or an hour, or a day
and feel sad and down!
BUT, the next step is a choice!
Do you stay there?
or do you start digging your way out!
and if the answer is dig out..
then how??

For me,
in this journey,
I have found;
sharing with friends is a big factor in digging out
or climbing over!
sharing with Family, friends, and my facebook and bloggy friends
has had a huge impact on my heart!
Support and encouragement make a huge difference!
BUT, no-one will know you need the support
if you don't tell someone you are drowning!
Yelling "HELP" I cannot do this another moment..
is normally the first step in realizing
you really have what it takes to do this as long as it takes..
because when the answers to your heart cry come back
the encouragement is a balm for your soul,
and a motivator for your attitude
and you will begin to see the light
and feel anxious to get there!
Sharing my heart...
being open about my hurt...
has been the second greatest healer
in my journey from brokeness to wholeness!

The first, is my faith!
The first, is my Lord!
The first is the one who has carried me on his shoulders
and who still has not put me down....

sometimes you climb the wall....

and sometimes you are buried underneath it....
One of my children is sick....
she is my youngest
and she has the flu.
She is not the first to be sick,
my oldest had the bug,
and now she has it!
But it has hit her hardest!

Like most single moms...
I work because I must..
I work to pay the bills..
I work to support my family...
and time off is not a viable option.
I also teach,
which means so much more depends on me being there,
then just my co-workers...
my little charges need me too.
Needless to say,
time off or not is not a light choice..
in addition there is that small matter of paying the bills..!
BUT my child is sick!!

I have discovered the heartbreak
of needing to be in two places...
of knowing that whichever you do
the other will suffer...
the heart break of a choice
in which there is no winner...

I am luckier then most..
my oldest was able to come with me to work..
to a separate place from where I was..
but near by..
even that caused discourse in my soul,
as I would have rather been with her completely!
BUT, was an option I was grateful for..
my youngest will be with family.
A better option then anything else..
she will be able to rest and in loving arms,
so why does my heart break??
because I cannot be the one to comfort her..
I cannot be the one to cool her forehead,
or check her temp or play nurse...
Instead I must be the one who shows her
that strength as a mother
is when you do not what you want,
but what you must,
for the sake of those you love so much!!!
and yet, this love, this need to do what I must..
right at this moment
is breaking my heart!

Its not about a solution its about acceptance...

I think many times
when someone finds them selves
single-again
and it was NOT what they had planned for their lives..
When is it??
They want a solution!
a fix!
They want it to get better...
and deep down they want something to change!

I went looking for that change..
I was not passive..
I was sure and confident
that there was a SOLUTION...
This could not be the destination of my life!!
and as I have shared..
my solution was my down fall!

And so I now have come to understand...
the vital step
in moving forward,
is not looking for a change,
or waiting for the next stage in your life.
Instead its accepting,
the now!
The new place you are..
and the place you may always be!!
A single person! a single-again person!

facing all the things
that in the past you did as a 'couple'..
now movies, dinners, church, reunions,
you are doing those things alone!
And the thing is..
thats OK!
Not only is it OK...
its fun!
Its a time to rediscover who you are,
a time to heal and grow!
its also a time to hurt and mourn...
and then little by little to let go
of what was..
and embrace what is!
It does not happen overnight...
Nor, do I believe it will happen on its own..
BUT it will happen!!
And the time you put into YOU..
will pay off..
when YOU are healthy and WHOLE..
and YOU get to choose to move on alone..
or move on open to the idea of another!
BUT either way YOU choose!
and either way YOU are OK!

funny thing...

I set a goal...
not to date for a year...
after the end of my relationship!
almost 11 months have passed..
and still NO real desire to date!!
AND I am NOT LONELY!
I am not sure when it happened!
BUT it did!
All of a sudden..
I started living
for the future..
versus dwelling on the past!
and it happened without me even realizing it!
And so as the 'year' mark draws closer...
I know that for the first time in my life,
I am not looking for someone else to tell me what
I already know..
I am enough!
and life is good,
busy, tiring, stressful...
but oh so good!
for the first time..
I am not looking for someone else
to make my life better
or to complete me,
instead I am hesitant to share my time..
and happy with my freedom...
and content in my little home!
Deep down I know,
that this is where I must be
to ever reach the place of allowing another in...
but deeper down I know
that one step at a time,
and this step is still ALL about me
and getting healthy
and ensuring that never again
will I make the mistakes
that led me down this journey to begin with!!

Above all,
I am thrilled that I set the goal..
and know that taking this time
brought me to the place
that time is no longer the only thing
keeping me from jumping
into waters way above my head!!

different track..

I am taking a different track in my thoughts today..
they are not as much about divorce as normal..
and yet in some ways I believe they still reflect the process.
On Facebook the subject of my vegetarianism
was brought up by me,..
I was interested in the comments and decided to respond this way....

I am a very idealistic person!
I always have been...
My ideal world would be as follows:
Men and woman would stay together forever
Husbands would never be unfaithful or leave their wives.
Children would never be hurt by a broken home.
Mothers would stay home with their children. (at least this mother!)
(remember this is MY ideal world..not everyones!)
People would be kind to each other!
Everyone would have a home and love.
Animals would be treated kindly and humanely.
No-one would go hungry.
There would be no war.
There would be no violence.
There would be no child abuse or domestic abuse.

I am sure there are others!
BUT as you can see there is VERY little on my list I can control.
Some of what is on my list happened to me...
whether I liked it or not!
My ideals flattened by someone elses' choices!
HOWEVER, there is a small part I can control.
I can control my small contribution to the world!
I can control how I treat people, children and animals!
And I live by that!
I honor my parents and love my sisters!
I am not a perfect mother..
but I love my children and try daily to be better!
I am preschool teacher and truly love the children in my care!
and I choose not to eat meat,
and to take in homeless cats,
and to not kill spiders...
because its a small thing I CAN control
and a small difference I CAN make in the world around me!!!
I don't do it to live longer,
or be thin.
I don't do it to be different
or difficult.
I do it because I care
and I do it because I CAN!!!

friends and hurt.....

I think that its inevitable
when you go through a break up
or life upheaval
too at some point..
feel betrayed by a friend, or two,
in some shape or form!
For me this has been in several ways...
When my first husband left I lived in denial..
feeling very little..
so now three years later..
I sometimes feel the sting,
of the friends that were 'ours'
and are now 'theirs'.
I wonder how they are OK with it all..
and so there is a sense of hurt!
Even though in truth,
I understand it!
and know they all have to move on...
it still leaves its mark.
When I left my second husband
I felt the sting of betrayal..
when friends who were his..
(because thats all we had..were his friends)
but became mine..
chose to longer communicate with me!
Above all, it confused me..
because if they knew the truth..
there would be no reason for them to feel that way..
so I wonder what they were told..
and feel a small sting at the rejection...
and lastly,
there are the friendships that cannot withstand
the turmoil.
The friends who think you should have done it differently,
or got tired of hearing it..
or who just got tired of waiting for you to get your life together..
and those lost friendships hurt too!
Now three years later..
now that I look at life through realistic filters,
I believe that this is part of the process!
and it is hard!
as a single person,
you are already lonely,
you are sometimes already rejected..
you are often in need of support and validation..
so the loss of these people..
no matter how distant or close..
just adds hurt upon hurt!!

BUT, when the dust settles....
I have realized that it has all turned out the way it should.
I have lost friendships..
and I have gained some!
The friends who accepted and became 'their' friends
are really not missed in the scope of things!
The friends who chose to listen to lies rather then accept truth
would never have been a support any way!
So, the blessing is..
as the 'weeding' process happens
you are left with the friends who you should be investing in!
and if you are left alone..
then its time to start looking...
and refilling your life
with friends who care and support, listen and love!
Good friends are the greatest aid in the healing process...
and hurtful ones the greatest detriment!
No different then letting go of the love and past...
its vital to let go of the hurt and 'injustice'
and instead focus on the people in your life
that leave you feeling better for the time spent in their presence!
They are out there.....

finding me...

I am still working on my last counseling assignment...
finding ways to show that I respect myself...
I am realizing how much in life I compromise..
and am also seeing where I lack boundaries,
even within my own choices..,
my own lack of impulse control!
I tend to do then think...

Alot of these things take time..
and certainly realizing them is the first step..

but reclaiming me
not just fixing me..
but reclaiming who I am...
has been a process in the works
for the last 10 months!
Slowly I have begun to reclaim my ideals...
I have always been more flower child then 90s child...
I would have loved to join the peace core..
and I would have been good at it!!;)
I am passionate about animals...
and the world we live in!
I want to make a difference,
help..
leave a footprint behind when I leave this earth!
and part of reclaiming me
has been reclaiming that!

I also tend to live out loud..
I want to live what I believe..
I tend to live my beliefs in big ways..
and so, as I embrace me
accept me
learn to be me,
with no one to frown on my quirkiness...
I have gone back to my high school passions
and am doing my part to save the world!!:)
its never to late..
10 months ago I went back to a vegetarian lifestyle...
this week I am taking the next step to vegan.
Its about so much more then how I eat!
Its about who I am..
how I want to live my life..
who I want to be...
its the best part of where I am!
The place in which becoming me
is not a chore..
but is a blast!!!!!!!

complicated world but not as scary as I thought,,,

It seems that every day
my journey gets just a little easier..
and sometimes I do something
and wonder why did I wait so long?
and yet I know
that in truth
its all in Gods timing..
and rushing the process
brings a different outcome...
something I know so well!!
So much has started to fall into place in my life...
two of the things are connected!
The first is a new friendship!
I have found as I age that connecting is much harder!
I think its due to many things
but one of those things
is that its harder to put yourself out there with new people...
so, often friendships that don't already have history attached
tend to stay at the surface level..
therefore, making a new connection..
with someone that speaks my heart language,
makes me laugh, will listen if I am sad, and embraces my family into hers..
has been very impacting!!
in addition
that friendship
led me back
to an old church home...
and that has been life changing!
As I sat in church today
and felt the vibrant energy
and saw faces of people I love
I wondered why did it take me so long..
to come back where I belong?
the answer is,
I belong here now!
and now is perfect!
But these things...
so simple
yet so strong...
continue to push me forward towards the place
of wholeness...
they remind me I am not on this journey alone...
and they encourage me to keep learning
and growing...
I am so thankful for so much!
I have a wonderful family whose support has literally saved me...
I have children I adore and that have given me the motivation to keep moving...
and now the I have heart connections I longed for,
and a church that feels like being home!
All these things work together for good..
all these things are part
of learning how to live..
and all these things are part of the richness of life
that awaits when the pain passes
and the living begins!

one of those moments,....

Most moments these days
are busy
or happy
or stressed
or tense
or joyful
but rarely sad!
It took about 9 months for the lonely feelings to go..
but I remember them well!
I remember the sadness I felt on Sundays alone..
or Friday nights with no plans..
the times in the car with no one to call..
and the gap I felt in my heart!
Then I just did not feel that any more!
no big moment..
just a realization that I was not lonely anymore!
A lot has changed...
my work is fulfilling...
it is also busy...
and once I added school...
My schedule is full!
I need my down time...
and don't find it empty any more!
I have become involved in a church
and made some new friends..
as well as keeping up with some old..
my friendships are rich and fulfilling...
Also, I have settled in my role as a single mom..
I am comfortable..
and HAPPY in that aspect of my life...
sometimes stressed and tired!
But, no longer reluctant to embrace what is!
all this , for the most part, eliminates loneliness..
so I was surprised today
to feel sadness
during what seemed like the most mundane thing!
I was running errands on my lunch break..
I ran into the post office.,
and when I walked out
the memories flooded...
the life I used to lead..
the one in which running errands was the norm;
not the exception I now fit in when I have no more choices....
the life that was filled with the mundane at times..
the life that brought me joy..
so for a moment
in a mundane moment
running a mundane errand
I mourned what was..
and felt the sadness at all that has changed!
It happens..
but it passes!
Thats where the hope lies..
not in a forever numbness
but in the times that you feel the pain..
but know it will not last ..
it is but a moment in the rest of your life!

older and actually better :)

Last week was a little crazy..
but good crazy!
It was my birthday!
And the reason that is significant
is that for 3 years
MAJOR things have happened
within days
of my birthday..
3 years ago
my husband of almost 15 years
and I
signed divorce papers
3 days after my birthday..
2 years ago..
I remarried
5 days after my birthday..
1 year ago
my birthday was further confirmation
that I was in big trouble..
and I was separated again the following month...
so, birthdays make me nervous!:)
however, this year was wonderful!!
my children fussed over me..
my family made me feel special
and my dearest friend made me feel loved!
I was pampered
and taken to dinner...
and given treats..
and presents...
and most of all..
above all..
more important then anything else..
it was a day with out drama..
it was a day filled with the chaos of life..
but without unkindness, hurt or broken hearts!
and it was the beginning of a new year...
and the realization that each step I take
is a step away from what was
and a step further towards what shall be..

Light bulb moment

yesterday I blogged about my counseling session...
I was given homework
and it all had to do with respect!
I have been stumped..
as I do not believe I have low self esteem...
so how do I not respect myself?
and yet I am beginning to learn
that you can like yourself
and not respect your self..
and while I am still stumped
on the respect...
(the homework assignment is what can I do to begin showing respect to myself?)
or something along those lines..
I have had all these other 'light bulb' moments!
A big one
is the realization that I am afraid to make the wrong decision!
I am almost paralyzed
in my concern
that my choice will not be the right choice!
So, I take polls among friends and family..
I worry and waver...
and wait until the answer is impossible to argue with!
Certainly not on everything in my life...
but within my relationships , for sure....
Which leads to the second 'light bulb';
I do this because I want to please those around me..
and more importantly I want them to think well of me!
This was a sort of a shocker to me..
I know I am a 'people pleaser'
but I always thought of this as a 'giving' trait..
I don't want to upset anyone, ect,
BUT NO...
I think its a fear of people not LIKING me..
and that shocks me...
I dress the way I like..
I have more animals then anyone I know approves of...
I am a tree hugging vegetarian
and convicted on some very quirky topics..
I think of myself as free spirited...
and yet,
its seems I have a need to be loved and accepted
that drives me at a deep level..
and has kept me at moments in situations
I know to be wrong
because I was afraid if I left
others would not approve!
WOW!
Ok, so now, I guess I have to figure out where to go with that!
And I guess counseling is the place to be!!!

therapy..friendship..and orange juice!

I guess the key is...
what do these three things have in common??
and the answer, of course,
is that they are all good for your heart!

I started counseling today..
a MUST in the journey to healing..
I have been to counselors before..
but ,I speak as if I know..
and I have lived like I know nothing...:)

The key is finding someone who hears
what I know
yet views my choices
and gets that I am trying to live LIKE I know...
But am not completely sure how to do that!

I know that I have been co-dependent..
I know that I have not always stood up for myself..
I know that I have lived in denial..
I know that I can be passive-aggresive
I know that I can wear rose colored glasses...
I know that I deserve a love that is true and real..
I also KNOW that I deserve better then I have received
from those I trusted with my heart......

BUT, how do you take what you know
and turn it into what you do?
How do I teach my girls to stand for who they are..
even if they risk loosing the one
they think they cannot live without?

and so... a new journey starts....
with someone who sees
and gets
that I did not respect myself enough
to take a stand against
what should not have been..
I do not yet understand what that means..
Respect seems like a looming word...
and a definition escapes me..
so maybe that is the place to start...
I think sometimes we feel we 'like' who we are,
and it is just starting to sink in..
that maybe liking someone is not the same
as respecting someone??
maybe I can like who I am without respecting myself????
so much to learn
so much to understand..
so much to be thankful and excited about....

I am excited about the process..
I know this is the next step..
there was surviving...there is continued healing...
and then there is moving on and beyond....
And thats where I am now..
I am moving on...
and I can't wait to get to the beyond!

where did I go wrong this week?

As a single mom...
my children are reflected in my blog
alot..
my journey and story is not complete
without the perils, joys and hurdles
of walking this path alone...
Some weeks I feel I have it..
and some weeks I know I don't!
This was a week in which,
while a lot went wrong..
(broken toilet, broken phone, kittens stuck in a tree and a forgotten science project)
I did not react towards my children..
I reacted to the stress!
And yet,
I still saw tension in my children,
more fighting between them...
and I wondered why?
The only thing that makes sense
is that,
while I may not have reacted towards them
or been angry at them...
the stress caused an interruption in our life
and a break in our pattern!
Family game night did not happen
due to plumbing issues..
Family movie night did not happen
due to boy scout event..
and the list goes on!
It made me realize how important routine is..
sometimes I am at the end of my rope..
tooo tired to play yahtzee when a crisis has zapped my energy..
and sometimes thats OK!
BUT often, the few minutes taken to keep some semblance of routine
is worth the few minutes later to bed...
or the dishes that wait until morning!
I learnt this lesson after the fact..
so now have to implement it..
knowing life WILL throw curve balls
but understanding that while children
ARE resilient..
in many ways they ARE just NOT that flexible!!!
and its up to me to ALLOW them the freedom NOT to bend when possible!

My weekends VS his...

Its amazing how
the shared weekends..
can take on a new meaning
in the busyness of life..
in the beginning
it was the hardest thing to do..
not having been away from my children much
being a very hands on mom..
handing my kids over
with no say in their time,
behavior, food or care..
was scary...
then came the time that it was freeing!
It allowed me a weekend to 'play'..
and now,
the opposite..
now I enjoy my weekends alone.
and thats what they now are...
weekends 'alone'!
I see girlfriends here and there..
but mostly I refresh for the week..
spend time at home..
and do all the same things I would do with the kids...
cleaning!!! :)
BUT, now its not those weekends that I anticipate the most,
now its the weekends with the kids that fuel me...
the Saturdays mornings with cartoons and pancakes..
the freedom to take them for shoes and slushies...
the bike rides..
and church as a family....
family movie night and ice cream night
happen on my 'weekend'...
and I find myself sitting here this Saturday morning..
knowing that time to recharge is important...
but time with my children in the relaxed state of a weekend..
is vital..life giving..
and the fuel that drives me until the next weekend that is mine....

perspective.....

Today..My phone died!
well and truly...
dead!
big deal?
its the only phone I have.
so..yes!
BUT,
yesterday
our only toilet DIED!!
big deal?
YES!!!!!
crisis?
yes!!
fixed..?
Thank goodness..yes!
BUT,
boy, does a dead phone seem minor:)!
its all in the perspective!

10 months ago...today

ten months ago...
an anniversary I wish I did not remember
and yet one I will never forget...
10 months ago..I left...fled!
Its marks the anniversary
of the SCARIEST night
of my life!
The LONELIEST weekend
I have ever had!
and the BEST choice I
have made!

It was so scary for so many reasons..
as many woman in emotional scarring relationships
believe..
I thought I was alone!
I had been isolated...
and had protected..
and few knew the full scope..
I believed there was a good chance
that the person I was leaving would convince them..
would get them on his side...
I believed that I had to do it alone..
I believed all this because my situation was so typical!
it was text book...
but I had not read that chapter..
not then!
and so out of fear
I did what had to be done
with out asking for support
from those who loved me..
and who I now understand would have stood
by me...
and instead with the help of someone who knew nothing
but was willing to help ..just because...
I left my home..
I left my life....
I left my husband!
I left in fear!
and I left alone...

I wish I could tell you that I left my fear
behind..
but its not that simple!
I took the first step
but it was one of many...
and the events had yet to unfold..
I left with my most precious things..
and my pets...

no-one knew..
not my family
not my children...
although I knew they would support me..
they had been begging for this...
the toll was too great!
I was falling apart..
cracking from the outside in..
living with heartache is heavy and sad..
living with emotional torment
and being put down
and hurt..
and broken on a daily basis
is hell....truly....hell!

I knew I had to get out..
I knew there was no choice,
I knew nothing would change..
I knew it would get worse!

And yet, taking that step...
was the hardest thing I have ever done!!!
And then...
I was out..and alone!
I spent a weekend alone..
in a motel..
no money,
no phone,
no family,
no friends,
no one knew where I was
in my fear
I had hidden from all...
and it was the longest, darkest, loneliest weekend of my life..
and yet in the stillness, in the darkness...
I heard an amazing sound;
silence!
No phone ringing that had to be answered or else..
no yelling...
or threatening...
no bullying...
nothing!
The worst was over..
and it was bad!
There was nothing easy about it...
but it was over!
and I would do it again!

I believe for the rest of my life I will remember that night..
but I hope there will come a day
that I will not be able to tell you
exactly how many months AND days it has been...

For now..
the scars are there...
the damage was great..
the psychological ramifications extensive...
for now..each month I remember
and I remind my self
I never have to do that again!

NEVER again will I allow someone to yell at me and put me down..
never again will I allow someone to make me feel like less then I am...
NEVER again will I allow myself to be treated like an animal
and stalked like prey..
NEVER again will I compromise who I am
for someone else..
never again will I live in fear..
NEVER again will I choose another over myself or my children!

and this reminder
sustains me as the months pass..
and as the memory slowly fades
but the lessons stays strong and true..
never to be forgotten...

forgiveness

Its funny how forgiveness
is not one size fits all..
I am finding forgiving certain things
much harder then others..
and yet,
its not the things you would expect...

I think I have figured out why;
I have an easier time forgiving the expected hurt
over hurt I did not see coming..
no matter big or small..

I was able to forgive my first husband..
seemingly easily,
(although with a lot of heart ache attached!)
I knew he would hurt me one day..
we married young..
and I loved completely
but KNEW I was loving for both of us..
I knew he was not completely mine..
and I knew he would hurt me!
Strangely, I did not think he would leave me..
but I knew he would break my heart!
When he did..
it hurt..
it still hurts..
but, I forgave!
and even in the moments when I feel anger,
its not from a deep bitter place!

And yet my second husband..
I have struggled forgiving!
His hurt not as deep..
but it was unexpected!
He knew who he was..
I did not!
He was petty and mean
and it caught me off guard..
ultimately, He was nothing he portrayed..
and that seems harder to forgive..

and then one of my closest friends..
who chose to walk away from our friendship
rather then accepting me as I am now..
and understanding where I was then,...
has caused, in me, the same inability to forgive..
again, I trusted in the friendship and the acceptance
therefore the unexpected rejection hurts more so...

so, as I ponder this
and know forgiveness is not a choice...
its a must!
its not for others its for me...
and yet sometimes it seems
the bigger offenses seem easier to get past...
or maybe its that in some moments we have to forgive;
for the sake of our children...
so then we hold onto other hurts in their place..
maybe it all gets confused
and the hurt gets tumbled
and you think its about one
and yet deep down your heart does not know
who its angry with
just that it is...
just that its been hurt..
and its hard to let that go..

so you think on it...
and you make the choice..
and bit by bit by bit
you start to let it go...
moment by memory
until you have forgiven the big and the little
the expected and the surprises
and then you will be free!

taking my home and my heart back

I have lived in a small town most of my life..
I moved to this town when I was 12.
My dad was pastor of a large church..
I knew so many people..
this was MY home..
I met the man who stole my heart..
at 17.
This was our home..
our first date..
the church we were married in..
the home we had babies in..
our home town..
and then life fell apart
and it began to feel like his home..
I felt like an outsider
unsure of my place,
taking the step to move back here was a big one..
and yet it has turned out to be
the best step I could have taken,
Today, I was in' town'...
and as I walked by my ex husbands work
something that happens alot
as he works minutes from where I live..
it hit me that I no longer visit down town
because of him..
I no longer base my life on seeing him..
When I am in town
its no longer consumed with his heart and needs
or as part of the couple we were...
and yet I still am here, in this town..!
Because its where I belong!
Not as part of a couple..
but as a person..
a mother..
a woman..
this is MY town..
this is where I belong..
and it feels wonderful to be
exactly where I am.

How could I NOT be?

Tired?
how could I NOT be tired??
really, I am a single mom with 3 kids..
all preteens..
I work full time and go to school,
kids are in theater , boy scouts and girl scouts,
we have a home to clean (Thank the Good Lord)
and 2 dogs, 3 cats, 1 rabbit and 3 reptiles.
of course, I am tired!

Happy?
how could I NOT be happy?
I am a mom of 3 wonderful kids...
all growing up into amazing people!
I have a great job! I love where I work..
I love who I work with.
I get to go to school which will benefit my family and I.
My kids are able to participate in theater on a wonderful scholarship..
My older 2 love scouts!!
We have a little home that we love!
and we are blessed with so many animals
that add joy to our family!
of course, I am happy!

blog award:) and 7 things you don't know about me!

Thankyou To my friend, Becky at
http://beckyjoie.blogspot.com/2009/09/blog.html
I was so excited and honored! Becky is an amazing writer which makes the honor even more special!
So, now I get to nominate 7 fellow bloggers!

1) Sharks Bait Reef
http://sbreef.blogspot.com
interesting as well as fun blog to read!!

2) My friend Amy
http://oneblessedmamma.blogspot.com
I am always impressed with the way Amy writes! and her pictures are amazing!

3) My friend Breeze
http://breezedaze.blogspot.com
who writes the most amazing poetry!! and always touches my heart!

4) Ms Diane!! WHO I know gets LOAD of awards
http://dianesaddledramblings.blogspot.com
This is a funny, touching and inspiring blog!!

5)Funny, funny Sherri
http://matteroffactsite.blogspot.com
This blog is smart, interesting and so very, very funny!

6) single dad
http://singleparentdad.blogspot.com
This blog will touch your soul!

7) Ms sassy scribbles
http://sassyscribbles.blogspot.com
the name is great!:) and the topics informing with a mix of fun!!

Ok. Now I am supposed to write 7 things you might find interesting about me! (I will post the rules for the award below this!) hmmmmm..

1) I was born in Johannesburg, south Africa. I lived in Central Africa until I was 12.

2) My baby toe nails grow straight up the air! EEWW:)

3) I own a tortoise that is the 3rd largest species of tortoise in the world. One day he will reach 100 pounds! And he will be sleeping in a dog house in the back yard!:)

4) I don't kill anything, not even spiders!

5) I tend to wear long skirts and dresses, (modest) but I have a tattoo and want to get my belly button pierced for my birthday!

6) Being a mom was my greatest dream! And it is still the thing in my life that I take the most pride in.

7) I am a vegetarian..and love it!:) Don't miss meat AT all!

Here are the rules for the award (and I quote):

1. Thank the person who nominated you for this award.
2. Copy the logo and place it on your blog.
3. Link to the person who nominated you for this award.
4. Name 7 things about yourself that people might find interesting.
5. Nominate 7 Kreativ Bloggers.
6. Post links to the 7 blogs you nominate.
7. Leave a comment on each of the blogs letting them know they have been nominated.